


Please Hang Around

by BossToaster (ChaoticReactions)



Series: Let The Spectrum In [5]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: 5 Things, 5 Times, And we're off to the races, Derealization, Gen, Keith has a lot of feelings apparently, Now if only he could express them, Post-Holt Rescue, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Shiro (Voltron)-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-18 18:49:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8172104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticReactions/pseuds/BossToaster
Summary: 5 conversations between Shiro and Matt after the Holts were rescued.





	1. Gravity's Just a Habit

“Hey.”

Matt started and glanced back, shooting Shiro a half-smile in greeting. “Hey,” he returned, and turned his attention back to the wall of windows in the observation deck. Since they were travelling through wormhole at the moment, there wasn’t much space to look at, but Shiro personally found the visible spectrum of light in a travelling wormhole to be just as fascinating and beautiful.

Well, when he thought about it, which he usually didn’t. The irony of it all - okay, one irony - was that they’d flown out to investigate the mysteries of space, gorgeous and vast as they were, and now that Shiro lived in them, he barely noticed.

After a moment’s hesitation, Shiro sat cross-legged next to Matt, keeping them carefully separated. Back on the Kerberos mission, they’d all gotten very used to touching, mostly because the ship was too small to avoid it. Now... well, now Shiro didn’t know if Matt was comfortable with the contact. Didn’t know if he wanted it himself.

Things changed.

But then Matt started to hum under his breath, the tune unfamiliar. He glanced sideways at Shiro, lips curled up in that way that meant he was making some kind of reference, but whatever it was when straight over Shiro’s head.

Then again, things stayed the same, too.

Rather than dignify the humming by asking what the song was, Shiro tilted his head. “I’m surprised to find you out here. I haven’t seen you outside of Pidge and Hunk’s workshop since you got here, outside of meals.”

Matt’s lips curled up. “Yeah, well, I think that’s the problem.” He chuckled, the noise half amused and half sad. “Katie put up with me and Dad hovering pretty well for nearly two whole weeks. I’m impressed, actually. But she never liked me sticking my nose in her projects to begin with and it’s been a while. I think she got used to doing her own thing.”

Oh. Shiro winced. “Yeah, Pidge is pretty independent. I can’t say what she was like before. It took a while for her to gel with the team.” He drummed his fingers on the floor, first with the metal hand. But that was loud in the otherwise quiet room, so he switched over to the natural one. “But you know she’s glad to have you back.”

Matt snorted. “Oh, yeah, I know. I’m not- okay, I’m a little hurt to be dismissed, but not really. I would have done the same thing. We’re a family of over-focused introverts. Yeah, it’s good to be back together - even if I’m still weirded out that Katie is even in space, what the hell - but it can’t be ‘everyone cling together and have a big party’ forever. Things settle back into place.” He curled in a bit more, knees tucked to his chest. From here, Shiro could see how skinny he still was and winced. “Eventually you adapt, and you keep moving.”

“Yeah,” Shiro replied quietly. “You do.” He looked away, following Matt’s gaze back to the windows. “At least this time it’s a good adaption.”

In the reflection of the windows, Shiro could see Matt’s lips quirk up. “Yeah. This time it’s good. This time it’s very good.” Then he paused. “But we had them, though. The Galra. That was a good adaption too. Like, you guys helping was good, but we had it handled.”

Shiro glanced back over. “Yeah, you did. I can’t even imagine.” Maybe things were different on the planets, but what he could remember of the prisoner conditions for the gladiator rings had felt so completely hopeless. How did someone take all those beings and convince them to work together, to not betray the plans for better treatment, to have the energy to try?

For a moment, Matt stared at him, and Shiro thought he was going to bring _it_ up. Neither of them had really discussed what had happened before that fight, not really. They’d both danced around it, the painfully large elephant in the room. And, really, Shiro should just bite the damn bullet and ask himself, but then he’d remember how _scared_ Matt looked. Of him. And the words died in him.

Instead, Matt looked away again. “Hey, question for you,” he started, voice purposefully cheerful. Ending the conversation before it began. Shiro almost wished he hadn’t - he wanted to get this over with, rip it off like a bandage - but then, he had no reason to complain when he couldn’t start either. “Think I should switch to Pidge? It’s getting weird, when only Dad and I call her Katie.”

As far as distractions went, it was a pretty good one. Shiro’s brow furrowed. “That’s something you’d have to ask Pidge,” he finally answered.

Groaning, Matt twisted to shove Shiro’s legs with his foot. “Dammit, don’t give me the safe answer, Shirogane. I’m asking your damn opinion. What do you think? Is it a team nickname? Is it how she feels? I want to know what I’m getting into before I start the question. That and I’m getting sick of the weird looks when I call for her.”

To give himself a moment to think on it, Shiro tilted his head. “Who’s giving you looks?”

“Everyone, basically. Except you and Katie, obviously. Even she jumps sometimes. The red one - your little cadet - keeps looking at me like I’m doing something wrong and being mean to her, and I wanna know what’s up with that.”

Shiro gave him a bland look. “I don’t know who you’re referring to, Matt. You’ll have to be more specific.”

All he got was an eyeroll. “You know who I mean.”

“Nope. You’ll have to use proper names. There are so many red ones here, and they’re all cadets. None of them are mine, too. So, c’mon, who do you mean?” Shiro crossed his arms and stared Matt down as best he could.

Matt stared back for a moment, then groaned. “Ugh, fine. Keith. Ruin my fun.” Then his gaze softened. “And they’re all yours, Shiro. That’s pretty obvious.”

Chest warm, Shiro’s lips curled up. “Yeah, guess so. They’re my team, at least.” As weird as it was, still, to be commanding a team of people who hadn’t actually graduated. Then again, Matt hadn’t either, technically. But only because he’d chosen to write his thesis on the actual mission, so he’d left three credits shy. “Alright. Keith is just protective. He probably worries you’re trying to box Pidge into an identity she might not want. And you really will have to talk to Pidge about that, but if not, she’ll eventually talk to him. If not, I will. They’re all thinking it, I think, just Keith isn’t great at being subtle.”

“What an artful understatement,” Matt commented dryly. “But okay, noted, I will have to speak to my sister. I’ll do so when I’m not banished anymore. Now, Pidge or Katie?”

Shiro shrugged. “I wasn’t there when she started it either, but it was definitely the name she picked to sneak back into the Garrison.” He paused, then smiled. “She tell you about getting banned?”

The grin he got in answer lit up Matt’s entire face. “Yeah. She did.” And he radiated brotherly pride so brightly that they should be able to see him from Earth. “Dad was a little less impressed, I think. But she _hacked the Garrison_!. How cool is that?”

“Pretty cool,” Shiro replied, watching Matt with open amusement. “But I missed all that too. So... I’m not sure which she thinks of herself as. If it’s even one or the other. It might be both. All I know is, even when she told us who she was, she kept going by Pidge and never asked us to change. So either she’s fine with us specifically calling her that, she’s okay with everyone to calling her that, or she just doesn’t care.” He considered for another moment. “But hearing you call her that would be weird.”

Matt’s lips twisted. “Yeah, that’s the rub. But it’s a pretty stupid reason not to change if she prefers it. Dammit, I have to ask anyway. You were no help at all.”

“Apologies,” Shiro drawled back. Forgetting himself - forgetting the year between them - he twisted like Matt had earlier and planted his boot on Matt’s shoulder until he teetered over. “Oh, whoops. How clumsy of me. Apologies again.”

Laughing, Matt sprawled out on the floor like that’s where he’d wanted to be all along. “You play up like you’re all composed and cool, but I know better. I see through you.”

Shiro rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. You noticed that I pushed you down. Very observant, _Cadet_ Holt.”

That made Matt groan. “Oh, hell, don’t even start with that.”

“You’re the one who chose to wait,” Shiro replied mercilessly. “You could have graduated and avoided all of this.”

Matt scowled at him, but with his face half pressed to the floor, it came out looking like a pout. “But a thesis on the mission that went the furthest ever that I actually went on would probably get me published.” Then his expression fell. “Not that I’m getting published anyway, now.”

Heart clenching, Shiro started to reach forward, then paused. His metal hand hovered an inch off the ground before settling. “Or you’ll get published by every science journal ever for being one of the first humans to meet aliens.”

“Dunno if that could be considered meeting,” Matt replied, though he did finally pick himself back up. “Technically, yes, first contact. Though the fact that we met the Galra first sucks.”

Shiro shrugged. “If you want to go by met, say it was the Alteans, then. We got captured, it’s not exactly a meet and greet.”

Considering that, Matt nodded, then screwed up his nose. “Ugh, that means Katie beat me to aliens. I owe her money if we do that.”

Rolling his eyes again, Shiro shook his head. “Well, then... I don’t know, Matt, your call. I can’t help you there. Truly, you are between a rock and a hard place.”

“I know,” Matt groaned. “This sucks.” He considered. “If it’s the Galra, you were the first human to speak to aliens. That we know of. That’s pretty cool.”

Shiro twisted his lips. “Very, very theoretically.”

“Yeah, well, most things are cool only in theory. Who talked to the Alteans first?”

It actually took Shiro a moment to remember. It had all been so chaotic, and he hadn’t exactly been in the clearest headspace, between escaping the Galra, getting home, being captured then rescued, and finding the blue lions and suddenly ending up a universe away again. “Lance, I think.” Closing his eyes, he groaned. “With a pick-up line.”

When Shiro looked again, Matt’s eyes were wide. “The first friendly conversation with an alien - that we know of, that’s important - was a pick-up line? I think I like that. I think I like that a lot.”

“I think I hate that,” Shiro groaned. 

Matt smacked his arm. “No, think about it. First contact with Vulcans and humans was shaking hands, right? That was outright _intimate_ for the Vulcans, so this matches. We have to go with this.”

Shiro scrubbed his face. “Are you actually saying- Matt, our life is not Star Trek.”

He paused as Matt stared at him, them pointedly looked around. “Um, Shiro, hate to break it to you...”

Groaning, Shiro rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Okay, you know what? Changing the subject-”

“You like Star Trek, why is this even a problem? It’s actually kind of appropriate, too, consider that we as a species-”

“ _Changing the subject_ ,” Shiro repeated, more loudly. “How’s your dad?”

That made Matt pause. “You see him every day. You talked to him at breakfast. He told you to call him Sam for the 800th time.”

“No, I mean,” Shiro gestured vaguely at the hallway, which led to the quarters. “How do you think he’s doing? I want your opinion.”

Matt considered, picking at the top edge of his shoes. “He’s okay. Excited. I think the castle itself gets him more excited than Katie and me combined. Like, it’s super cool, don’t get me wrong, but I keep getting distracted by the devices I can take apart and understand better. The castle just feels like a building, half the time.” Shiro nodded his understanding, because it all did become normal. Just four walls that happened to be an alien spaceship, no big deal. “He hasn’t told me how he’s sleeping, but I know it can’t be well, since-” He shut his mouth, but not before Shiro understood. Matt was having nightmares, so Comm- Sam probably was too. “And the pod won’t do anything for his leg, so that sucks, but I think he likes having the cane, a bit. When it’s not in the way.”

“How did-” Shiro paused. “I keep wanting to ask how, but I don’t want to... if it was bad, I don’t want to take him back there.”

Matt eyed him for a moment, and he seemed to find something Shiro hadn’t meant in the comment. “He got picked up by it, basically. You know how Dad is, if someone’s wrong he just can’t let them be. He has to correct them.” He went quiet again, eyes glazing as he remembered. “No matter who it was, he’d speak up, and-” Matt’s hands clenched, and so did Shiro’s chest. He shouldn’t have asked Matt either. It was still probably so raw, and he’d probably seen it himself. Dammit. “He got knocked down hard, basically. And then- they picked him up by his leg and it twisted. Yelled at him for a while, put him in solitary, but Dad knew how to fix the machines. We both did, we learned fast, so they didn’t want to just kill us when stuff happened, but when he came out it had already started to heal and there was no way to set it after that.”

Reaching out, this time Shiro stopped just short of Matt. “Matt, are you...”

“I’m okay,” Matt replied, blinking quickly. Then he caught the look on Shiro’s face. “I’m here. I’m not- not right now. It was just hard to watch, was all.”

Shiro relaxed, glad he hadn’t spared Sam just to send Matt into a flashback instead. “I’m sorry.”

Glancing at him, Matt shrugged. “Nothing you can do for it. When the mustache one said they had healing pods, I’d hoped. But apparently it doesn’t work for already healed injuries. And he gets around fine, now that we’re not in the mines. So there’s that.”

It was on the tip of his tongue. The conversation they weren’t having. It was so close to finally spilling out. But Matt’s eyes were already so tired and distant, and he was still so thin, and he still hadn’t cut his hair so it curled over his face, making him look even younger, and-

And Shiro couldn’t do it. Not when the evidence of what he’d decided for Matt so clear in front of him.

So he looked away again.

It took a few moments for Shiro to speak again, the guilt growing more uncomfortable the longer he let the silence last. “So. What’s your first project?” He glanced over, just from the corner of his eye. “I know you have one.”

Matt’s lips curled up. “Of course I do. I’m me. And, actually, I was talking to the mechani- actually, no, I need to ask. Is Hunk is real name? That’s gotta be a nickname, right?”

“If it’s not, I’ve never heard his real name,” Shiro replied. “You’d have to ask Lance.”

Crinkling his nose at yet more people he’d have to ask questions to, Matt waved it off. “Alright, well, he mentioned a bunch of the stuff the castle can do. Illusions and stuff? And just to get into learning it, I figured it’d probably be pretty simple to whip up a copy of the team simulations at the Garrison. Apparently, Katie and the other two weren’t very good at them.” Matt’s grin went very toothy.

“To be fair, I think Pidge had a lot on her mind,” Shiro defended. “And Hunk and Lance are very good at what they do, so I’m sure there was a reason.” He considered. “I’d be willing to bet team cohesion.”

Matt snorted. “Whatever the reason, I don’t care. We’d destroy them.”

“The simulations are not video games,” Shiro replied dryly.

That didn’t seem to bother Matt at all. “But it’s still all about that high score. C’mon, it’d be fun. Show ‘em what you can do.”

Shiro fought not to roll his eyes yet again. “They know what I can do. We’re a team.”

“Shirogane, cut the crap. You wanna do this just as much.”

Dammit, because he was right. Slowly, Shiro’s lips lifted in the corners. “A little.”

Laughing, Matt stood and offered his hand. He only paused slightly when Shiro took it with his metal arm. “C’mon, you can help me talk it through. You’re a useful sounding board, once in awhile.”

“Thanks,” Shiro replied, unable to keep the laughter out of his voice. “I’m honored.”

The toothy smile grew. “How quickly you forget.”

Shiro’s eyes went wide. “Wait, no. I take it back.”

“Too late!” Matt cheered. “You already started it.” And then he started to hum yet another song Shiro didn’t know, nearly guaranteed to be from a Disney movie.

Shiro pulled his hand back. “Guess I’ll see you later then. Bye.” He started for the door to beat a speedy exit, but Matt grabbed him by the bicep and steered him down the hallway toward the training room.

“I don’t think so,” Matt replied, sing-song. “C’mon, we’ll bring honor to us all.”

Groaning, Shiro let himself be tugged, and didn’t quite manage to fight off a smile.

Yes, Matt could be damn annoying. Really, really damn annoying.

But Shiro had missed him anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it begins.
> 
> Prepare for some long ones, folks: Matt is long winded as far as internal voice goes.
> 
> For the record, the first thing Matt’s humming is the theme to Stargate, in reference to them being in a wormhole. Shiro does not get Matt’s several centuries old references, unless they’re things that are likely to stick around. (Also, easter egg time! Every fic in this series has had a Stargate reference somewhere. Every single one. Most are just so damn obscure no one would ever find them)


	2. Tormented By Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confrontation

Shiro wasn’t seeing a word of what he was reading. The pad was still on, but it might as well have been displaying a blank screen for all the attention he was paying it.

Instead, he just kept his eyes on it while he listened to the conversation going on between Hunk, Pidge and Keith.

“And we’ll be moving the life support control panel here,” Hunk informed Keith excitedly. “Still in easy reach, but it streamlines it for us, see?”

Keith was quiet as he studied whatever was on the schematics Pidge and Hunk had shoved under his nose. All Shiro had heard was that they’d redesigned one of the escape pods to be more of a speed-based ship rather than a life boat. 

And that was plenty of reason for Shiro to be paying attention. Especially since he half suspected they’d picked Keith to ask about test piloting not only because of his skill and reflexes, but because he would ask the least questions.

“So what’s the difference between both of these?” Keith finally asked.

Someone scooted a chair closer, and Pidge spoke. “See, this is the one for Lance, and it’s more designed around him. So you can see some of the differences here and here.”

When Keith spoke next, his voice was lower and quieter, and the other two hushed as well. Oh, nice, now they were trying to be subtle. Shiro was definitely going to need to keep an eye on this one. He wasn’t sure he could get them to spill if he just confronted them... Sam probably wouldn’t be better, but maybe they’d talk to Matt. Then again, Shiro wasn’t sure if Matt would tell Shiro after, or if he’d just join in. Hm...

A handful of note cards fell into Shiro’s line of sight with a _smack_. He jolted from surprise, then whirled around to see Matt standing there, holding yet more cards in his hand. “We’re doing this,” Matt told him, loud and firm. Then he glanced over at the table, wincing. “I thought you’d be alone. But we’re doing this! Before I talk myself out of it again.”

“Doing what?” Shiro asked, picking up the cards.

Matt pointed at him with his own. “We’re having the conversation we haven’t been having.”

Oh. Feeling the blood train from his face, Shiro set aside the pad. “You want to-” His stomach twisted. “Um. Alright.”

Nodding like it was all settled, Matt sat down hard on the couch next to him, then craned his neck to stare past him. “Katie, take your friends and move.”

“We were here first!” Pidge shot back, but it sounded automatic. She and Hunk were already packing up, and Keith was watching them with a scowl.

Matt dismissed that easily, flapping a hand at her. Then he rearranged his cards, shoulders up and tense. “Okay. I got these so we’d be organized. They’re a method, so it should make sure we don’t, um, stop, because the cards aren’t done.” He toyed with the edge of one. “Okay, it’s to make sure I don’t stop. Not you. Um. They’re numbered. You should get the first one.”

Feeling dazed, Shiro obediently started to flip through them. They’d been given to him in a pile, already covered in Matt’s messy scrawl. Idly, he wondered what his and Pidge’s mother’s handwriting was like, because Sam’s was so neat. One caught his attention, and he blinked it in confusion. 

‘ _I resent that you got sent away with your father to a safer place while I was suffering’_.

Slowly, Shiro picked his head up. “What the hell is this, Matt?”

Matt leaned over and glanced down at it. “Oh, yeah, that. I figured if you knew I knew, it’d make it easier? I mean, I get it, it’s not fair that you had to keep fighting and I got to be in the mines. Which, you know, weren’t a vacation, but they weren’t gladiator fights, so-”

“That’s what you think of me?” Shiro continued on, hands tightening on the card until it started to crumble. “You think I’m... I’m jealous?”

It seemed to dawn on Matt that something was up, but from the way his brow was furrowed, he didn’t understand why. “Yes? I mean, no, not jealous, because no one is jealous of being a prisoner of war. But, I mean, it totally makes sense that you’re pissed that you had to take one for me. Like, I was freaking out like you weren’t going to be doing the same thing a few hours later, right? But you had to take on the reigning champ, and...” Matt trained off, leaning away from Shiro. “Um. You always get so quiet when I mention it. You get all pale and quiet and I thought-”

“You thought I resented you for what _I_ chose to do? When I’m the one who hurt you?” Shiro replied, voice not getting any louder, but slower and more clipped. “You think I’m a big enough jackass that I blamed you?” Shiro stood suddenly, his whole body tense. He’d been ready for Matt to fear him, to hate what Shiro had condemned him to. For him to think this was a new, nasty surprise. “You thought I was spending all this time hating you?”

Matt stared back at him, jaw set. “No, I thought you spend all that time being dead.”

Flinching, Shiro shrugged. “Well, I didn’t. I had a better chance than you against him anyway, so it was the best option. Didn’t mean I had to do it the way I did, right?” It was finally coming out, all in one go, a steady stream of words Shiro didn’t even think of stopping. “I picked for you, and hell, I don’t know what happened to you, I didn’t know if you ever got back with Sam, or what happened to you, or if you just got thrown in another battle later. Or if I hadn’t messed up your leg for life. Maybe you hated me for choosing for you-”

“Wait a minute,” Matt snapped, standing too, getting in Shiro’s face. “You’re pissed at me for thinking you might be a tiny bit mad for going to your death in my place, but you think I’d resent you saving my life without my express consent?” Matt’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “Oh, well, that makes great sense, Shiro, thanks for that. Yeah, please, apologize for me for the years of life I got to keep. You must be real damn sorry about that. Or maybe you should apologize for trying to make sure I got to stay with my dad. What on earth were you thinking, huh?”

Shiro scowled right back, not backing down at all. “It’s different. I made that choice! It was on me, all the consequences of it. So, just let me be fucking sorry about what you went for?”

“Why the hell should I?” Matt shot back. “And why can’t I be sorry for you what you went through, huh? Why can’t I wonder why the fuck you thought you deserved to die in my place? Why shouldn’t I feel bad for that, give me one good goddamn reason?”

“Because people would _miss you_!” Shiro shouted back, grabbing onto Matt’s shoulders. His breath was coming in desperate heaves, and he could feel the angry flush on his cheeks. And as he became aware of that, his temper started to drain. Especially at the wide-eyed look Matt was giving him, stricken. Just like before. Shiro let go of him, afraid he’d been hurting him, and clenched his hands by his side again. “Sam would miss you. And you spent so much time talking about your family. I couldn’t... I couldn’t do that. Not when it could be me. So I reacted, and you lived, but it was a year of torture. So I’m sorry.”

Matt just stared back at him, looking completely speechless for once. Before he could collect himself, someone spoke behind them. “Keith...” It was Hunk.

Oh. Oh no. Had they not left? They’d heard all of that?

Shiro turned, stomach already dropping. Still clutching at the papers, Pidge was staring at them both like she’d seen a ghost, but Hunk wasn’t looking at either of them. Instead he was watching Keith, who looked like he’d been punched in the stomach.

“I missed you,” Keith murmured, sounding painfully young. “Do I not count?”

Shiro’s stomach crashed somewhere below his feet. “I-”

But Keith continued, barreling on as his temper caught. “Does it only count if your family? Or do I just not count in general?” He took a breath like he was going to continue, then shook his head and bolted out the door.

“Keith!” Shiro called after him. 

He started to follow, but Hunk held up a hand. “That’s not gunna do any good,” Hunk told him. “He’ll just get more upset. Let him cool. I’ll make sure he’s okay, alright? You just... wait a bit.”

Hunk was right. Much as Shiro wanted to follow and make it okay, to explain what he’d meant - that it had been a desperate decision made in seconds, that it had been months since he last saw Keith, that it was so easy to think he was just a nice upperclassman and not someone important to Keith - it wasn’t the right time. He wasn’t going to be in the mood to listen. So he just nodded. Hunk reached over to pat his arm, then followed after him.

In the meantime, it seemed Matt had collected himself. Pulling a pen out of his pocket, he scribbled out whatever was on the top note card, and started to write something new. “Okay. I’m going to try these again, because... I don’t want to scream more.” Shiro winced, and Matt flinched back. “Not like- dammit, Shiro, please stop. Let me- here.” He finished and shoved it into Shiro’s hand, then took a step back. “I’m gunna go... some excuse. Not cry.”

With that, he hurried out as well.

Shiro closed his eyes, because he didn’t understand how this had all blown up so badly in just over five minutes. Without looking, he tilted his head in the direction Matt had gone. “Go ahead.”

Pidge didn’t reply for a moment, and when Shiro looked again, she was biting her bottom lip. “You sure? He’ll be okay, you know, and if you need someone-”

Shaking his head, Shiro gave her a thin smile. “I’d appreciate not being able to upset anyone else for the next hour. Go after him. He’s your brother, I get it.”

For a moment, Pidge continued to hesitate. Then she seemed to take him at his word. “Okay. Um. I’m not mad at you. Just in case you think that.”

“Noted,” Shiro replied, managing a smile. She nodded, then went after her brother.

Letting out a deep sigh, Shiro crashed back on the couch and resisted the urge to bash his head against something. Then he glanced down at the card in his hand. It was covered in new writing, even messier than what was crossed out.

_’Thank you is what I meant to say. Thanks for what you did. I’m grateful, even if you thought it wasn’t worth it. Which you don’t, I think, but still._

_You have my blanket permission to save my life without asking me in the future. Except in cases of time travel, when you literally have all of time to discuss it with me. And if the future life saving takes place pre-time travel access, you still have my permission, but we’ll discuss possible changes to the timeline together. Or ask Dad.’_

The last bit startled a laugh out of him. Just as he reached up to wipe his face, a new voice startled him. “Hello, Takashi. Seems there was a bit of a commotion.”

Shiro paused and glanced behind him. “Good afternoon, Sam.” Despite the fact that afternoon was relative and- screw it, his internal clock said afternoon. “You’re quiet with that cane.”

Sam’s lips quirked up. “Can’t make it that easy on you all.” He made his way over to the couch, then sat down next to him. “ Katie said you asked to be alone. I can leave, if you like.”

Considering that, Shiro shook his head. “No, I think I’m good for now. Just need a breather.” He handed the card over to Sam. “For your information, Matt says it’s okay to discuss altering the flow of time-space with you, if the opportunity arises.”

“High praise from him,” Sam replied easily, eyes warm and fond. “Seems he took my advice, in his own way. As usual.”

Shiro’s brows rose. “You told him to use the note cards?”

He nodded easily, tapping the cane on the floor in a steady, idle rhythm. “I suggested being organized to get through it. Writing down talking points he wanted to hit. Seems he decided to write out both sides of the script, instead.” He glanced sideways at Shiro. “In fact, you both may have, although he was the only one who physically wrote it out.”

Shiro’s shoulders tightened. “Maybe.” After a moment, he sighed. “I suppose it’s not really rational. That doesn’t make it leave my head.”

A hand settled on his shoulder, and Sam squeezed gently. Slowly, the tension left them, falling back into place inch by inch. “No, but I don’t think any of us can be expected to be fully rational on the subject, regardless. I know I’m very much biased.”

Lips quirking up, Shiro nodded. “I think you’re allowed to be, in that case.”

Sam slid his hand a little further up, until it was settled on the side of Shiro’s neck. He used that to turn Shiro toward him a little further, so he would meet his eyes, and see the moisture in them. “Thank you, Takashi. For saving my children, and looking after my youngest. I could not be more grateful to you if I tried.”

Shiro’s eyes slammed shut against sudden tears. “You’re welcome.”

“And now, I’m going to ask you to not do that again,” Sam continued calmly. “Because you’re important to my children and to me. And I don’t want a world without you anymore than I want one without them.” Shiro managed to nod, eyes still firmly closed. “Would you like to be alone, now?”

Taking a deep breath, Shiro sighed. “Yes, please.”

Sam patted his shoulder. “That’s quite alright. It’s been an emotional day. If you need me again, just call Coran. I was going to spend the afternoon interviewing him about his grandfather’s work.”

Managing to open his eyes again, Shiro offered what might have been a smile on another day. “Better you than me.”

“Coran’s stories are fascinating,” Sam informed him primly, but he was smiling. “Have a good afternoon, Takashi. I’ll see you at dinner.” His sharp glance meant Shiro had damn well better be there.

“Afternoon,” Shiro murmured after him as he left.

And once he was alone, he turned to sprawl out on the couch. Then he focused on his breathing, in and out. Because he was meditating to calm down, and... some excuse. Not crying, too.

***

“Should I ask why you’re doing this?” Shiro asked, as he wandered into the training room. Matt was sprawled out on his back in the center of the space, though it wasn’t active.

Humming, Matt turned his head toward him. “This place needs hammocks. No one can be mad in hammocks. It’s perfect. We’ll introduce them to the rest of the universe and solve all problems.” Looking back up, he settled his hands on his chest. “Does this help? Not looking at each other. It’s how manly emotion conversations happen in movies. It’s okay if you don’t look at each other.”

“Actually, it’s more awkward,” Shiro informed him, sitting down next to him. But then he sprawled out too. “Better like this, though.”

Matt nodded. “Good. You talked to your- You talked to Keith?”

Shiro sighed and nodded. “Yeah, we talked. I think he gets it now.” Keith had still been hurt, and Shiro couldn’t make it so he hadn’t heard it, but he thought he’d got across that it hadn’t been that Keith didn’t count. It had been that Shiro thought he himself didn’t count. It had still earned him some punches to the side and a truly grueling sparring match, but at least Keith didn’t seem quite so hurt.

Matt nodded, though Shiro could only tell from the sound of shifting hair. “Alright then. Did you read my note?”

Unable to help it, Shiro snorted. “Yeah, was I supposed to check yes, no, or maybe? The hearts for the dots of the ‘i’ were a nice touch.”

Smacking backward, Matt tried to swat him, but missed by a mile. “Don’t be an ass. You read it, right?”

“Yeah. And... You’re welcome. I’d do it again.”

This time, Matt managed to hit him, even if it was just kind of smacking Shiro’s ear. “Please don’t. Seriously.”

“I won’t promise that,” Shiro replied. “I don’t think I’m capable.”

It was a long time before Matt responded. “You know, I actually was mad a little. At first. When I thought you died.”

Tilting his head up, Shiro tried to look at him, but only saw messy curls. “For what?”

“Not what you think. Not that you got to escape, in whatever way. Or that I had to keep going. None of that crap. I was mad that you broke that stupid promise. About the movies. You never meant to keep it, did you?”

Shiro’s lips curled up as he stared at the ceiling. “Nope.”

“You jackass.” There was a slight pause, then Matt sounded smug. “You kept it anyway, so I win.”

Snorting, Shiro rolled his eyes. “How’s that your win if I kept my own promise?”

Even without seeing it, Shiro could picture Matt’s smirk. “Cause I made you make it. So I win.”

Considering that, Shiro closed his eyes. “Yeah, okay. You win.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Keith.
> 
> So that's out of the way, at least.


	3. Chapter 3

“Is something wrong?”

It had taken Shiro about three seconds since walking into the room to tell that something was up. Allura and Lance were in there alone - a combination that was less rare, these days, but still raised his eyebrows. And worse, they were tense. The way they were speaking in low, unhappy voices had Shiro immediately worried.

They both started and stared at him then, oddly, flushed. “Nothing’s wrong,” Allura told him, voice edging into prim. “We were just having a discussion.”

Well, that put him right at ease. If it had been just Lance, Shiro would have no problem digging farther, but he didn’t feel nearly as comfortable doing that with Allura. So he glanced between them both, while they made an effort to look casual.

“You sure?” He tried again.

Lance flapped a hand at him, too fast to be properly convincing. “No, we’re fine. Just hanging out. Being friendly teammates.”

There was a tiny flicker of movement as Allura glanced at him sharply, but then she smiled again, hand settling on Lance’s shoulder. “No troubles at all, thank you for checking.”

Finally, Shiro sighed. The noise was edged, not on purpose but just out of frustration. But they still didn’t budge, so Shiro just nodded to them. “Alright. If that changes, let me know.”

And he slipped out, frowning. It wasn’t the first time he’d caught new tension around the past few weeks, and he wasn’t totally sure where it was coming from. No one seemed to want to discuss it with him. That could make it a few things, and his first thought was that maybe it was something about him. But no one seemed nervous or awkward enough for that. Just... caught.

Wandering into the rec room, Shiro paused. “Oh, hey.”

“Good relative afternoon,” Matt replied, picking up a lazy hand to wave. He didn’t look over though, slumped like a puppet with cut strings. “Have you ever tried messing with the day cycle on this thing, actually? It is 24 hours? I never thought about it, so it’s got to be at least close, but why would the Altean system use that length?”

Shiro walked over and peered down at him, brows raising. “It’s a little over 25 hours. Altea probably had a similar size to Earth, but I haven’t looked into the specifics.” He paused and frowned. “You okay?”

Flashing him a grin, Matt waggled his eyebrows. The expression didn’t match his eyes. “Sure. Why wouldn’t I be? I can nap on a couch, life is good right now.”

“I see,” he replied. Sitting down in front of the couch, Shiro leaned back against it. “And there’s no need to have a conversation we’re not looking at each other in, right?”

Matt hummed. “Exactly.” There was a silence that Shiro waited through patiently, then Matt spoke. “I just have a question, is all.”

At least one person would still talk to him about problems. For what it was worth. Without glancing back, Shiro nodded. “Shoot.”

“Bang,” Matt replied, poking a finger at the back of Shiro’s head. He swatted it away impatiently, and waited for Matt to actually talk rather than joke. “Fine, don’t appreciate my humor. And it’s no big deal, I was just wondering if we interrupted something, when you guys picked us up.”

Pausing, Shiro glanced back. “What do you mean?”

Matt shrugged. “I’m not sure. It’s that... you know when you walk in a room and people aren’t sure they want you there? I’d say I’m just being awkward, or it’s cause I annoyed someone, but I think Dad’s getting it too. So I was wondering.”

Opening his mouth, Shiro paused, then settled back down. “I don’t think you interrupted something. I can’t think of what it would be.” But he had a sudden suspicion why no one wanted to talk to him about what was going on.

He suspected Pidge was getting the same treatment.

Matt sighed and settled back. “Alright,” he muttered, sounding utterly unconvinced.

For a moment, Shiro worked his jaw, trying to figure out if he wanted to ask at all. “Did you talk to Lance and Allura earlier?”

There was a shocked silence, then Matt shifted. “Yeah. Got me thinking, actually. How’d you know? I walked in on Hank McCoy and the Princess and-” he cut himself off. “Well, you know, you can tell sometimes.”

Shiro winced. He didn’t doubt they’d tried to be nice, but the situation was complicated. And Allura had the grace of a master diplomat some days, but other times she just- well, some days she didn’t. He suspected it didn’t come naturally to her, and she had to work herself up to it, so when you caught her off guard...

“Well,” Shiro started, picking his words carefully. “First of all, it would probably help your case if you called people by their names. They usually like to be addressed that way.”

Matt took a breath to speak, then paused. “Okay, that’s... um. You’re not wrong. I should probably do that.” Another moment of silence. “I forgot I was doing it.”

“Seriously?” Shiro turned to look at him, amused. “You do it that much?”

Shrugging, Matt’s lips curled up. “You’ve met me. Yes, I do.” Then his expression fell. “So is that why? ‘Cause I’m not sure that actually, you know, explains much. Not if it’s dad, too.”

Finally climbing up onto the couch, Shiro stared up at the ceiling. “No, that’s not really why. It just doesn’t help. Give me a second, I’m trying to figure out how to explain this.” Matt shifted, curling his legs up so they weren’t shoved half-behind Shiro. “Okay. So, me and you and your Dad... We choose this. Not _this_ obviously, but to go out into space. We knew it was a risky mission, that for all we knew we’d burn up in atmo. We chose to take that risk.” He curled up slightly more, leaning over to rest his elbows on his knees as his eyes went distant. “But them? None of them did. They came and saved me, and the next thing we all know we’re in a damn giant robotic blue lion right back at Kerberos in front of a wormhole, and they’re asking me if we should go through it.” Closing his eyes, Shiro scraped his fingers along his scalp. “We had no idea what we were doing.”

Matt was silent for a long time, and finally Shiro glanced over. Matt’s eyes were distant as he stared out toward the wall, and Shiro suspected he was seeing something else. If it was a memory or a flashback, he couldn’t tell, but there wasn’t any shaking or obvious distress. “Oh. I think I knew that, I just didn’t think about it.”

“Then, they were cut off from Earth. All of a sudden, we were halfway across the universe, and there was no way to contact anyone about it, let their families know where they were going, no way to go back home, and now we're at war." Shiro sighed and followed gaze up to the ceiling. "So it's not really you. Or Sam. Nothing like that. It's just that... well, Pidge got her family back."

Matt's eyes went wide. "Oh." He paused. "Not all of her family, but I can see your point." He closed his eyes, mind making the necessary jump. "And the Princess and Coran lost their planet. They probably lost family too."

Nodding quietly, Shiro sighed. "Yeah, exactly. So it's hard for them to see you. It's not everyone's excuse, I don't think. Has anyone been more welcoming?"

"Hunk has," Matt replied, and Shiro freely admitted that, yes, it was weird to hear Matt use people's names first go. "Mostly. I dunno, it’s awkward there too, but he might just be making more of an effort, or might be better at hiding it. He's quieter to me, but I thought it was that I'm not one of you guys. I'm not part of the team. And Coran has obviously been cool, since he and Dad are practically bestest friends now. But that's probably both of them having peers rather than anything else." He paused and considered. "And Katie and you are obviously fine." Matt glanced at him, and Shiro suspected he was thinking that Shiro probably didn't have much family to object to leaving. Which was a cold but not inaccurate way of putting it. But then, that might be Shiro putting words in his mouth.

Noticing an absence, Shiro's brows rose. "What about Keith?"

Matt snorted. "Oh, your duckling is in camp 'I don't like it'. Less awkward and more right out."

Brows jumping, Shiro stared at him. "Really? Still about calling her Katie? Because I thought that had settled by now."

"Dunno," Matt replied, shrugging. "Haven’t exactly gone up and asked why he’s scowling at me. Who knows, it might have been from calling him a nickname." He shrugged. "I couldn't tell you."

Shiro considered. "What'd you call him?"

"I don't remember?" Matt's nose screwed up in thought. "Probably something silly like Pepper Jack. Nothing offensive, I don't think."

Well, Shiro couldn't tell anything by that. So he shrugged one shoulder and resolved to talk to Keith later. "That's why for the rest, anyway. It's not that no one resents you, or that they aren't happy for Pidge. Trust me, everyone is thrilled. It's just hard to see someone reunited with their family and not think that they won't see theirs for years and years, if ever."

Matt nodded slowly. "Okay. So... the hell do I do about that?"

Good question.

Tapping his fingers on his knees, Shiro looked over at Matt. "Well, I think it'll help if you're around more. You have your projects, and they're cool, but you don't talk much to the others, do you? Other than Hunk, just because he and Pidge do so much together, which probably helps explain why he’s a little better off."

Matt's expression screwed up. "Kinda hard to stick around when everyone acts super awkward until I leave."

"I'm not blaming you, I'm just pointing it out. Everyone's happy for you, but they're not personally invested the way Pidge or I am. You're just someone who now hangs around sometimes and haunts the workroom. Doesn't mean they're not happy you're free, but it's not a personal happiness."

Brows up, Matt stared at him. "Okay. Cool. That was a very interesting breakdown. But I was hoping there would be some kind of action verb in there somewhere. Probably prefaced by 'you can' before it."

Shiro stared back at him blandly. "Maybe you can shut up.”

That only made Matt snort. "Oh, look at mister kind leadership over here. God, they all googly eyes up at you, it’s kind of weird. All I can think is 'that's the guy who got Iverson to wake the entire senior barracks with a yelling match when he got caught sneaking out.'"

Shiro just eyed him. "If you think you're better suited, I invite you to take responsibility."

"Hell no," Matt shot back easily. "I'd rather launch myself out of an airlock. Besides, the black kitty isn't really my color." Then he considered. "Green, you think? It feels like a cop out. Too easy."

Blinking slowly, Shiro snorted. "I don’t think the lions pick based on what’s suitably dramatic, Matt."

“Well, they should.” Matt flapped a hand. "Right, alright. Now, doing. Objectives. What do I do about it? If you give me one of your stock pieces of advice about being yourself, Shirogane, I swear I will hit you."

"Just be yourself, Matt," Shiro replied as he leaned in, voice dripping with sappy sweetness. “They’ll see the real you if you just believe in yourself.”

Grabbing the pillow, Matt took a swipe at Shiro's head. He ducked down and it swung over him, then he reached up to snag it and yank it out of Matt's hands. "You suck," Matt told him blandly. “Not fair. You’ve been combat training in the past year.”

"Well, then, there’s an idea. What you should do," Shiro told him, eyes bright. "Is come train with us. Is your pilot program finished?"

Matt grinned.

***

“Alright,” Shiro announced as they entered the training room. “Change of plans. We’re still doing teamwork exercises, but we’re going to switch things up.”

Lance eyed Matt for a moment, like he wasn’t sure what he was doing there, then raised his hand. “Okay, if we’re going to do that, can we get five minutes first?” At Shiro’s raised eyebrows, Lance shrugged. “Last time you changed training up last minute, it was your arm.”

Eyeing him blandly, Shiro tilted his head. “Are you actually nervous about that, or do you just want to stall training?”

That only earned him a smile. “It can be both.”

“Sorry, wait, one second. Arm?” Matt glanced down at Shiro’s hands, brow furrowed. “What happened with the arm?”

Oh, right. Matt hadn’t heard that story. Shiro stiffened as the others went quiet and shot him worried looks, clearly not sure what he wanted to say on the subject.

Steeling himself, Shiro set his jaw and moved to the control panel. It gave him an excuse to look at something else. “There was a chip in the arm that affected my behavior. I’ll give you specifics later. But apparently it was a noticeable change, thus the five minutes.” At the press of a button, the room seemed to waver, then looked like a ship docking bay. “Lance, if you still feel I’m acting strangely, you can speak up before the end of the explanation, how’s that?”

Shiro expected Lance to object and make a fuss, just for the fun of it, but instead he nodded seriously. His shoulders were tense and his eyes wouldn’t stay on anyone long. In short, he looked how Shiro felt after a flashback, unhappy and embarrassed about feeling that way.

Damn, that was weird. No wonder Matt had noticed.

“Right,” he continued, pushing on. No one would appreciate being called out on it, and it was clear Lance was trying. Keith, on the other hand, was every bit the sullen Cadet that Shiro had first met in the Garrison. And for all he was trying to remain calm, Hunk only barely looked happier than the other two. Thankfully, if Pidge noticed the attitude of the room, she was doing her best to ignore it. “We’ll be splitting into teams of two for this program. One will be the pilot, and one will be running scans and communications. You’ll need to work together, since the pilot won’t be able to see any of the read-outs.”

Finally, the tension seemed to begin to ebb away, as the other paladins perked up in interest. “Do we get to pick our teams?” Hunk asked hopefully.

Shiro fought back a smile. “No, we’re going to be switching it up each time, so I’ll be picking for each round.” Then he cracked, lips curling up. “But you and Lance can go first, yes.”

Whooping, Lance weaved an arm around Hunk’s shoulders and pointed at the other two, forgetting about his ill temper in his excitement. “Hell yea! We’re gunna kick your asses to dust.”

“The simulation is not a video game,” Matt spoke up. At first, Hunk tensed and Lance bristled, but then they followed his smug look to Shiro and seemed to recognize that he was teasing.

Shooting him a quick scowl, Shiro nodded to the other paladins. “Matt’s right. Even if he’s not sincere about it.” His gaze narrowed as he glanced sideways, but then he focused his attention again. “The point is teamwork, not who gets the farthest in the program.”

“Sure,” Hunk agreed easily. He waggled his brows. “So we’ll be gracious in our victory. Because we’ve got this one down. Team Legs!” And then he and Lance shared a high five.

Smirking, Pidge crossed her arms. “Yeah, right. No whining when we win. Right, Keith?”

But rather than respond to her, Keith stared hard at Shiro. “I want to team up with you.”

As Pidge’s brow furrowed from the probably unintentional rejection, Shiro shook his head. “I told you, I’m picking the teams.”

“But you’re part of the team too. You should be participating,” Keith shot back, eyes bright with something Shiro couldn’t manage to identify.

He hesitated, then shook his head again. “There’s a point I’m getting at. Besides, I helped Matt test it, I have too much of a head start.” Shiro paused, bothered by the too-intense look in Keith’s eyes. “Later. Get a few test runs in, at least. When everyone used to the program, we can fly then.”

Keith didn’t look any happier, but he finally nodded and backed down. Then he looked over at Pidge and seemed to realize what he’d essentially said. “Not that- oh. Sorry.”

Slowly, Pidge unknotted and nodded. “It’s alright. Make it up to me by helping me kick their asses.”

Keith finally cracked a smile at that, and Shiro wondered what the difference was between him and Pidge in this conversation. Maybe it was an authority versus peer issue? Shaking off the question, Shiro focused. “The controls should work identically to the ones in the lions, minus the connection. Everyone else will be up in the control panel while the simulation works. Try to treat it like you would a Garrison exercise.”

“Actually, I would try not to treat it like you would a Garrison exercise,” Pidge shot back, and she, Hunk and Lance shared a competitive look.

Lance tilted his head back and grinned. “Same to you, pipsqueak.”

Ushering Pidge and Keith toward the stairs before it could devolve from there, Shiro activated the observation room, which filled with projected screens of down below, both inside the cockpit and from the displays of both participants. “Nice job, Matt.”

“Eh, I have a lot fancier equipment than at the Garrison. Works out in my favor.” He flopped onto one of the chairs and grinned at Shiro. “Intercom isn’t blocked, obviously, so you’ll be able to yell at them to your heart’s content.”

Shiro sat down in front of the microphone, shooting him another bland look. “I don’t yell.”

That made Pidge snort. “No, you get all sharp and disappointed. It’s worse.”

Eyeing her dryly, because Pidge knew exactly what kind of ammo she was gleefully handing her brother, Shiro shrugged. “If it works.” Then he pressed the button and leaned forward. “If you’re all settled in there, we’ll start it up.”

“Roger that,” Lance replied, not bothering to hide how excited he sounded. “We’re ready to save the innocent and kick ass.”

Smirking, Shiro activated the first level.

The simulation started off simple, just a matter of getting off the ground and heading to the correct point with minimal weather conditions and obstacles. It was just long enough for them to get used to the controls and the system.

“If forgot how bad this feels,” Hunk murmured quietly, flipping through hailing frequencies to check for any messages.

Lance groaned. “I’m not even doing anything. We’ve barely taken off.”

Lips thin, Hunk shrugged. “I got used to piloting myself. I’m okay, just... it’s been a while. It was nice.”

After that, though, Lance seemed to make an effort to keep his flying smooth when possible, though the thunderstorm that popped up suddenly made that quite the effort.

They made it to the pick up in level two, and then the drop off in level three before they started to have real problems. Drop-off involved dodging through rock formations, and by that point, not only was Hunk starting to look pretty green, but Lance’s dodging was starting to suffer.

Watching clinically, Shiro thought that Lance wasn’t a bad pilot at all. Obviously not, or he wouldn’t have been accepted into the program in the first place. But the difference between him and Keith was that Keith didn’t second guess himself. He just aimed then slammed the acceleration, and everything between point A and point B he dealt with. Lance, on the other hand, was constantly re-evaluating. And that made him much more adaptable in the lions, in the pilot simulation he meant he was constantly over-correcting, then correcting the over-correction, and so on. And that put him at the top of the cargo pilot class, because when carrying items instead of people, the extra sway didn’t matter at all.

Unfortunately, it was the absolute worst possible situation for Hunk, even when he was doing much better.

They managed to get through the dogfight of Level 4, only to get caught in Level 5’s ambush, bringing the simulation to a halt. Groaning, Hunk slumped forward, scrubbing his hand over his mouth. Once he was unbuckled, Lance moved over to help him up and rubbed Hunk’s shoulders until he looked less shaky.

Shiro activated the intercom again. “Well done for your first run through. Come on up, now. We’ll discuss everything at the end. I want to get through as many as we can.” Hunk saluted at the camera, and the pair of them started up. “Alright, Pidge, Keith, your turn.”

“Got it,” Keith replied, and they both popped and and hurried down eagerly. The must have passed the other two on the way, but any shit talking couldn’t have taken longer than a minute or so, since they were both settled in their respective seats quickly.

Pidge shot him a toothy grin. “Ready?”

Lips curling up in response, Keith nodded. “Let’s do this.”

They powered through the first three levels quickly, having the experience of watching it beforehand (as Lance pointed out). And Pidge and Keith made an excellent team, both aggressive and proactive, if maybe not the best at communicating back and forth. While Hunk and Lance had an easy back and forth, Pidge and Keith had the benefit of both being incredibly Type A.

Of course, those similarities could become a problem when they were both single minded. And when the ambush of Level 5 hit, they saw it in time to not set off the trap, but then turned right back around and attacked instead of fleeing.

And nothing in the program was unbeatable, but winning against the ambush wasn’t exactly supposed to be something you could do first time around.

“Bank, bank!” Pidge cried, even as Keith tried to turn from the ship they were heading toward at full speed. They managed to avoid it, but then instead flew directly into a different shot, and the simulation ended with a jolt. “Agh, dammit. Does that count as getting farther?”

Shiro clicked on the intercom. “No.”

Groaning, Keith nodded. “Alright. Next time.” He hopped out of the seat. “Which group next?”

“Voltron cross-sides,” Shiro replied. He turned to look behind him. “You good, Hunk?”

Nodding, Hunk stood. “Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll head down.”

“Keith, you stay there. Pidge, up top.” 

While Keith resettled himself and waited for Hunk, Lance shoved his way in closer and pouted up at Shiro. “Why does he get to go again? He’s gunna have more practice, now.” 

Snorting, Shiro arched a brow at him. “Or you can let them get past level five and get a preview of six.”

Eyes brightening, Lance grinned. “Aaah, I get you. You know who to place your bets on.” In a much better mood, he sat back down and grinned as Pidge came in. The pair of them huddled together, already talking strategy in low, eager voices.

Amused, Shiro glanced at Matt, expecting to find him watching Pidge as well. But he was staring forward at the screens, distracted, so he shrugged and activated the program.

Now that Hunk was more prepared for the feeling, and with the benefit of Keith’s marginally smoother ride (through, the turns were clearly a problem with this pairing) they were able to clear through the first four levels quickly. And it was Hunk’s steady, constant protest that convinced Keith that no, it was not bad to just run away, it was an ambush and they could come back another day, for now can we just _go_?

Level 6 was slower, involving less piloting and more communicating through multiple channels to two groups for Hunk, which he managed without much trouble. Then the groups declared war on each other, and it was Keith’s job to keep them out of both sets of fire while Hunk tried to talk both sides into a truce. He managed until they caught a hit on the wing of the ship, sending it into a nasty sideways spin that finally did Hunk’s stomach in, making him double up on himself to avoid losing his lunch. While Keith was still trying to get the ship back under control, they were fired upon by both sides and the simulation ended.

“Need to lie down, Hunk?” Shiro called. Hunk nodded shakily. “Alright. You can either stick down there, or if you think you can come up here, you can take a seat with us. Your call.”

“I’ll help him,” Keith offered, sliding under Hunk’s arm. With the added support, they trudged back up.

Once he was sure Hunk was okay, Shiro nodded to Pidge and Lance. “Now you guys.”

Still whispering furiously to each other, they headed down just as Hunk and Keith came in. After that, Shiro was distracted getting Hunk settled and making sure he wasn’t going to be sick. “I’m fine, just give me a minute,” Hunk muttered, closing his eyes.

“Alright. You guys did good. Avoiding the ambush was the right move.” Hunk smiled at that and cracked his eyes open to look at Keith, who huffed playfully in response. “Last one, then you and me, Keith. That work? We’ll do this again another time, but it’s been a good couple of hours of this already.”

Keith smiled almost shyly and nodded. “Yeah. You as pilot?”

Returning the look, Shiro settled back into his seat. “Nah, you fly. I can do the controls. But next time we do this, you’re manning communications.” Keith’s eyes went wide. “It’ll be good for you. Make you have to communicate and explain more. You can do it, you just have to focus on it. Not everything can be as natural as flying.”

“Yeah, well, next time,” Keith replied, and seemed content to leave it at that. His mood was lighter than it had been all training, and Shiro smiled as he started the next round.

Once they were at the war level, Pidge glanced at Lance. “Get cover, we don’t need to be sitting ducks during this.”

“Good plan,” Lance replied, teeth gritted as he swerved to avoid fire. With a move that was surprisingly effective without being in one of the lions, he pulled into a tight loop and dove down, pulling up barely before he hit the ground. The zipped into the rocky terrain, with both sides on their tail. “Or not, dammit.”

Grinding her teeth, Pidge scanned the area. “What about that break up there? We’re smaller than them, they can’t fit through it.”

“Can we fit through it?” Lance squinted, leaning forward. “You know what? I think we can.”

Pidge glanced over at him and grinned. “Totally.”

Pressing forward on the levers, Lance rocketed them forward.

They couldn’t make it. But the resulting failure was spectacular.

Rather than be disappointed, Pidge and Lance grinned at each other, both ruffled from the previous flight and the jolt of the simulation’s abrupt end. “At least it was cool.”

“Hell yeah,” Lance replied, and they high fived.

Rolling his eyes, Shiro clicked on the intercom. “Please don’t use that mentality in the field.” He got two dismissive waves, and he snorted. Then he turned to look at Matt, making sure he wasn’t bothered by the sight of his sister being virtually blown up.

He was staring in exactly the same spot as he had been before.

Brow furrowed, Shiro reached over and placed a hand on Matt’s shoulder. It took a second before he reacted, and even then it was slowly. He glanced down at the contact like he wasn’t sure what he was looking at. “Need something?”

“You here?” Shiro asked, voice low enough that hopefully Hunk and Keith couldn’t hear.

Matt frowned, brow slowly furrowing. “Um. Yeah. Lance and Hunk finished up?”

Shit. Matt wasn’t there at all. And Shiro hadn’t noticed. He’d had been quiet, and that was unusual, but he’d been keeping track of everything else and it had completely slipped his notice. Some friend he was. “Awhile ago. They went through four of them.” Matt stared at him, eyes wide. “How long did you think it was, just now?”

“Like, five minutes,” Matt muttered, scrubbing his face. “Okay, no, I’m... I’m not here. Give me a minute.”

Squeezing again, Shiro glanced over at Keith. “I’m about to go in. Just... it helps me to try and focus. Like you’re taking notes for a quiz. Just keep track of what’s happening in the room. Okay? Pidge will be here too, if you need help.”

Matt opened his mouth, then closed it. “Yeah. I’ll do that.” He ran a hand through his hair, then glanced over at him. “It helps you?”

“Yeah.” He wasn’t sure if the question was to confirm that Shiro had those moments to, or to confirm that it worked, but it was true either way. “If you need to leave or call me, do it.”

Nodding, Matt sighed. “I’ll be okay. The hard part is noticing. Go have fun. Us next time, okay?”

“Sure,” Shiro agreed, standing. After a quick check over to make sure Matt was... well, not going to be hurt worse, anyway, he nodded to Keith. “Ready?”

Keith glanced at Matt, then nodded. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

As they went to the door, Lance and Pidge barreled in, still grinning. Shiro reached out and squeezed Pidge’s shoulder, catching her attention. “Matt’s a little out of it. Keep an eye on him?” He murmured.

Pidge’s expression sobered and she nodded. “Yeah. Of course.”

That taken care of, Shiro glanced at Keith again as they walked down. “Hey, pause a second.” Giving him an odd look, Keith did. “What’s wrong?”

Keith’s jaw tightened. “Nothing.”

“Bullshit,” Shiro replied instantly, not bothering to censor himself. Keith had heard it all before from him, and this wasn’t about being a paladin or part of the group. They were talking. “You’ve been in a mood for weeks. Did Matt do something?”

Something seemed to unwind in Keith’s shoulders. “I’m surprised you noticed,” he replied, voice edged. “And I’m really surprised you didn’t take his side.”

“I’m not even sure what the sides are, Keith,” Shiro replied, crossing his arms. “All I know is there’s something going on. So spill.”

For a moment, Keith met his eyes, and Shiro full expected to be told to fuck off. Then Keith just shrugged. “He didn’t do anything.” When Shiro just continued to wait, he scowled. “It’s nothing, okay. I just... It feels like we’re doing less, now. Working less. We don’t train outside of this as much, recently. And I don’t like that we’re getting distracted.”

Closing his eyes, Shiro scrubbed over his face. “It’s true that we’ve been doing a little less. But if we’ve been slacking, Allura will definitely let us know.” He sighed. “And, Keith, if that’s honestly the problem, then fine. But if it’s how you’re getting at it without saying it, please don’t use ‘you’re not doing enough’. I have enough trouble with that in my own head.”

“You- oh.” Keith slumped. “Oh. Sorry.”

Shiro flapped a hand at him, dismissing it. “Don’t worry about it. Just tell me, would you?”

For a moment, he thought Keith would say that really was the problem, but then he sighed. “Forget it. It’s really not a big deal. I just need to deal with it.”

Dammit. One step forward, two steps back. At least he knew there was a problem, now. “I want you to talk to me about this.”

“It’s stupid,” Keith replied. “Honestly, it is. Just give me time to deal with it.”

And without knowing what was going on, there wasn’t much Shiro could do to refute that. So he sighed again and nodded. “Okay. But, really, if there’s any kind of problem with anyone, you can tell me.”

Keith eyed him, but then nodded. “Okay.” And that sounded honest, at least, so Shiro relaxed some. “Can we fly now? I like flying better than talking.”

Unable to help it, Shiro chuckled. “I know, buddy.” He clapped Keith on the shoulder. “Let’s go fly.”

Finally entering the training room again, Shiro waved up to... whoever was up there to start the program. He assumed Matt, but maybe Pidge. And then they flew.

Between the two of them, neither was great at the communications aspect, so Shiro shot Keith a quick smile then half-assed it. Not completely, but he may have been keeping his attention more on Keith’s display, offering tips or shortcuts when appropriate.

No, it wasn’t the right thing to do for the exercise, but it was the right thing to do for Keith, and that was Shiro’s focus at the moment.

“Oh, please, no, don’t fight,” Shiro muttered insincerely to the simulation. Predictably, his ‘efforts’ fell apart, and they streaked away at full speed before the two forces even scrambled. “Please, no, you all have so much in common, why can’t you see it, oh ah.”

The intercom clicked on. “You could at least try, Cupcake,” Matt scolded, and in the background, he could hear Lance burst into delighted laughter at the nickname. “Be a good sport.”

“Acknowledged, Ground Control,” Shiro replied calmly. “Our ship advices you to keep your dubious advice to yourself.”

Beside him, Keith beamed and sent them right off the side of a mountain, sending them into a spiralling freefall. “We’re not being very good examples,” he yelled over the force of the fall.

Nope. But, fuck it. It was a simulation and the end of training. He was going to have fun.

“The cave over there goes underground,” Shiro offered, pointing... well, up, nearly. “It’ll warp you to the other side of the planet if you get through.”

Keith glanced at him. “Is it possible to get through?”

“Technically.”

They grinned and went for it.

They didn’t make it either.

And Shiro had a lot more sympathy for how Pidge and Lance had just laughed through their failure, because now he was doing the same thing. Next to him, Keith was slumped over the control, snickering wildly.

The intercom clicked. “No, wait, you should- c’mere, you get the honors.” Matt was muffled, probably leaning away from the mic. 

There was a short pause, then Lance spoke. “Please don’t use that mentality in the field,” he parroted, copying Shiro’s ‘leader’ voice.

“Yeah, you can say that when you guys ever listen to me,” Shiro shot back easily, waving at the window again. “Okay, you’re free to go. Wash up before lunch.”

As he was turning off the simulation, the door opened and everyone piled out. Matt seemed a bit more alert now. Or, at least, Shiro hoped he was, because he was walking backwards down the stairs. “Oh, there’s a few ways to game it. You can skip level six entirely with the right passcode.”

“Yeah?” Lance asked, lips curled up. He seemed more at ease now, after the admittedly relaxed training, but also just more comfortable around Matt. Shiro wondered what they’d been up to during his and Keith’s turn.

Actually, no, he didn’t. They’d probably been making fun of him. There was that mischievous air to them.

Well, frankly, Shiro didn’t give much of a damn.

Matt nodded. “Yup. Mind, you have to get through most of level 5 to get to it, but when they say no one can win this, you’re supposed to say-” he cleared his throat dramatically and slouched against the nearest wall. “I... don’t believe in no win scenarios.”

“Your William Shatner is still terrible,” Shiro told him mildly, even as Pidge and Hunk burst into excited grins and Lance groaned.

Snickering, Matt shrugged. “You should have thought of that before you suggested it.”

Eyes wide, Hunk beamed at Shiro. “You picked that?”

Shiro just shrugged and ran a hand through his hair, brushing it back into place. “He asked for a passphrase. It was the first thing to come to mind.”

From the look in Matt’s eyes, Shiro expected him to start teasing about the original series instead of Next Generation, but instead he shrugged and moved on. “There’s only about ten levels to it right now, and I was going to make a couple different versions. If you don’t try and pull a Shiro and pull them out in the training, you can help me pick what happens. They’re mostly for skipping levels in testing anyway. And fun. Okay, really for fun.”

“Can the next ones be Star Wars ones instead, then? ‘Cause, I’ll be honest with you, I’m not sure I know enough Star Trek to help.” Lance glanced at Matt. Over, not up, since Matt wasn’t quite tall enough for that, but the tilt of his head made it look like Lance was trying for the effect.

Matt laughed and clapped Lance on the back. “Of course! Dude, all shows and movies welcome. It’s not like I’ve been monogamous with Star Trek references. There’s a couple that are Stargate.”

Rolling his eyes, Shiro started for the door. “Literally no one else in this century has seen that show, Matt.”

“I fail to see your point,” Matt shot back. “But yeah, feel free, I can always use a hand. It’s hard to be this clever and funny all the time, you know?”

Lance nodded sagely, not managing to completely hide his grin. “Oh, my man, I understand completely.”

Glancing at Pidge and Hunk, Matt nodded. “That goes for everyone, by the way. Level designs too, since right now I’m just revamping the ones from the old simulators at the Garrison.” 

“Sounds like fun,” Hunk replied. “We can definitely help with that.” He knocked elbows fondly with Pidge, who nodded, though distractedly. Shiro figured she’d never thought she wouldn’t be invited, which was true.

Glancing over at Keith, Matt smiled, though it was a little more hesitant. “You too, Keith. You in?”

Keith stared at him, then looked at Shiro. When all Shiro did was raise his eyebrows back, he nodded. “Um. Okay. For a bit.”

“Awesome. Lunch first. And showers. And whatever else is planned for today. Assuming nothing else happens.” Matt sighed and continued toward the door, pulling off his glasses (a literal carbon copy of Pidge’s, fabricated by the castle) to rub at his eyes. “And you.” He pointed dramatically at Shiro, who barely even glanced at him. “It’s storytime. Tell me. Arm behavior modification, the hell?”

Shiro sighed. “After a shower.”

“Dammit, I have to wait? I’m bad at waiting. You could tell me in the showers?”

While Lance audibly choked and Pidge went pale, Shiro closed his eyes. “ _Matt_.”

Matt trotted along next to him, undeterred. “What? That wasn’t the world’s worst pick-up lines, there are multiple showers. We’re multi-tasking. Efficiency, Shiro!”

“I really regret you, some days.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And since Keith will never actually explain, here’s the reasons for his behavior:
> 
> The first is that having Matt around makes Keith need to reevaluate his relationship with Shiro. We’ve mostly seen their past from Shiro’s perspective, and he’s always been a little careful with Keith, back in the Garrison. Yes, he helped sneak him out and show him tricks, and was a friend when Keith needed to vent or have advice, but Shiro was always aware that he was the one person Keith would listen to when he was being impulsive, and probably the only person looking out for him, at least for his own sake. So he wasn’t always totally open with him, to avoid compromising Keith’s opinion of him, and to better be able to advise him if needed. For example, Keith didn’t know about Shiro’s habit of sneaking into town to go to clubs, way back in Your Grace is Wasted.
> 
> Keith never knew that. Keith always thought he was seeing Shiro at his most relaxed, because even when he saw him with other upperclassman, he was still being reserved. But we’ve also established in this continuity that Shiro was not particularly liked by a lot of his class, especially his fellow pilots.
> 
> Then along came Matt, who Shiro sees as being the closest thing to a peer now. Matt is around his age, isn’t in his chain of command, and isn’t looking up to him. So Shiro can be looser around him, snapping and joking in ways he doesn’t dare do around the other paladins, even Keith (who does see more of Shiro than the others).
> 
> It’s not a comfy realization. Combined with the fact that _this_ rude weirdo is the reason Shiro went into that fight and had all the Champion stuff happen to him... Keith doesn’t have a very positive view of Matt, which isn’t helped by the fact that Matt’s reaction to the hostility is to just isolate himself with Shiro and his family and joke loudly about it. Considering how well Keith takes that coping mechanism for Lance, he’d appreciate it far less from Matt.
> 
> That being said, Keith is also aware this isn’t fair for anyone, and he’s trying to deal with it. What he really needs to just to have his friendship with Shiro affirmed, but fuck if he’ll admit that and make plans for it. But that's why his mood perks when he and Shiro fly together.
> 
> There, here’s the big rant of Keith Perspective. Now if only I could ever actually get his voice down, I could do more from his POV.
> 
> For everyone else, it really is just awkwardness. It feels awesome to reunite a family, especially for someone you care about a ton, but it’s also hard to watch when you don't get the same benefit. That’ll pass as time goes on, especially now that Matt is making an effort to be actually friendly.


	4. Don't Listen To A Word I Say

“Shiro?”

Glancing up, Shiro shot Matt a smile, then bent back over his bike. It was coming along slowly, in what free time he managed to have and when he had the desire to work on it. Some days, he didn’t want to touch it, frustrated by the fact that he would probably have months at best for a chance to actually ride it. Other days, it was just nice to have at least one thing he could actually fix. “Hey. Have fun with everyone?”

Or, some days were like today, where he just wanted something to do with his hands.

Matt hovered for a moment, then sat down next to Shiro, watching him work. “It was good. I think you were right, things are easier when we’ve been talking for a while and kinda... get past it. Good advice.” He rested his chin on his knees, arms wrapped around his legs. “Dunno how it’ll work with Allura.”

“You’re on your own for that one, sorry. I don’t have the authority to tell Allura she has to spend time in a room with you like I do the others.” Shiro shot him a sideways glance, lips quirked up, then went back to work on taking off the plating on the side. This one could probably just be polished, but the other side’s one was definitely going to need to be machined. Did it make sense to machine one and not bother to do the other? Hm.

Matt chuckled, then lapsed into silence. Other than a quick look his way, Shiro let him sit, not sure what he was building up to, or if he was building up to something at all. “You, uh, need a hand?”

Pausing, Shiro shook his head. “Honestly? I’d prefer you didn’t. It’s kinda become my relaxation thing.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Another bout of silence, while Matt fidgeted. “Um, should I go?”

With a sigh, Shiro sat up properly and leaned his arm against the bike. “No, you should tell me what’s up.”

Matt’s eyes went wide, then he sighed. “Yeah, I should. I’m just shitty at apologizing. Um, I brought up the arm thing again, while we were working, and it finally dawned on me that it probably wasn’t anything you really wanted to talk about. All four of them got so quiet and tense about it, and... Lance brought it up as a joke so I thought it was something goofy, but it was serious, wasn’t it? So, you know, you don’t have to tell me. Sorry for harping on it.”

Shiro closed his eyes for a moment, then let out his breath in a long, loud gust. “No, honestly, it’s something you should know about. You don’t have to apologize, I’m just not fond of talking about it, as it turns out. I never had to, before this.” He put down the panelling and rested the metal arm in his lap, palm up so Matt could get a good look at it. “There was something in it. A chip. Coran knows more about it. When it activated, I was... not myself. More like a drone acting like me to spy on them. They noticed at breakfast, Pidge knocked me out, and then they took it out. But we still don’t understand everything about the arm, so in case something happens again, you should know it’s possible. I’m sorry for not telling you.”

Staring at him, Matt slumped. “God, Shiro.” He reached out to touch the arm, then hesitated and glanced at Shiro’s face. When he got a nod, he finally touched, gently tracing the curve of Shiro’s wrist. “You’re okay? Did it hurt you?”

“It wasn’t exactly a vacation, but no, it didn’t hurt. I was supposed to forget after, actually, but the way they caught me and pulled it out seemed to have disrupted that, so I still remember it all. Worst thing that happened to me was Pidge’s bayard to the back.”

Matt frowned and stared up at him. “That wasn’t the worst.”

Eyes wide, Shiro frowned, then slumped. “I guess not. But, now you know, so if I act strangely - according to them I seemed robotic, but I can’t tell you - you know to get someone.”

“Katie, preferably,” Matt drawled, probably trying for his usual joking tone. But it fell flat, and he stared down again. “I’m sorry.”

Shiro stared at him. “In general or for bringing it up? Because it’s something I should have told you awhile ago, honestly, so you’d be prepared.”

Lips pulling back, Matt snorted. “No. Not for that. For you having to go through that. For them having to go through that. For you having the arm in the first place.” He crinkled his nose. “I guess it’s the general way, yeah, but it feels kind of personal.”

“Matt-”

“Don’t,” Matt snapped. “I know. It’s not my fault, yadda yadda. We’ve had this argument before. I’m just gunna be sad for you for a bit, okay? Just let me be goddamn sad.” He let go of the arm to scrub over his face. “Coran thinks you’re all clear?”

Shiro nodded slowly, still watching Matt carefully. It went against his nature to just _let_ someone be sad. “He wasn’t sure, but he found what was causing it. Then again, there could be back-ups. Who knows?”

Glancing up at him, Matt took a deep breath. “I could look. Or Dad. We worked a lot with the machines at the work camps, right? Coran knows the Galra systems better, but his knowledge is way out of date. I could at least double check.” His expression changed, now strained. “It would be something to do.”

“Sure.” The metal fingers closed into a fist, then opened slowly. “If you want.” Then he paused. “Are you bored?”

Matt sighed. “Bored isn’t the right word. Useless is more like it.”

Frowning, Shiro pulled his legs up. “You’re not useless. Hell, you’re recovering, still.”

“Oh, please. Like you can go ten minutes without working on something,” Matt shot back, voice low and sharp. “You don’t think I’d get sick of just hanging around?”

“You’re not!” Shiro insisted. “You do things like the programs-”

Matt snorted, cutting him off. “Yeah, to have something to do. And then I helped out with your training, and... dammit, Shiro, it was nice to actually contribute. Everyone does except me. Even Dad is helping with the castle, but I just screw around.”

Taking a deep breath, Shiro made himself stop. He closed his eyes and let out a long breath before he finally opened them back up. “You’re not useless for not doing anything. I want that to be clear before anything else. You could be spending your entire time here in bed and eating and you wouldn’t be useless. That clear?”

Matt gave him a look, probably because he’d slipped into his Black Paladin voice, but he nodded. “Yeah, alright. I’m not physically useless, fine. But I want to do more. I could go with you to planets where you won’t be in combat, or something. Help out more during training.”

Glancing at him, Shiro paused, then pushed on. “How often have you been having moments like in training?”

“I-” Matt’s jaw tightened. “What’s it matter? You said you have them too. Doesn’t stop you, does it?”

Shiro eyed him blandly. “Because we don’t have a choice. If I sit out, we don’t have Voltron. You think I don’t-” He slammed his eyes shut again, teeth gritted. “It’s terrifying, the number of times theothers have to pick up my slack. Absolutely horrifying. In training and in the field. I’ll just- I’ll just be somewhere else, stuck in place, and one of them has to save me.” Shiro swallowed hard. “If there was a choice, I’d never let myself lead them. No matter how much I like getting to watch out and help them, I shouldn’t be allowed to. But we don’t have other options, so here I am.”

There was silence as Matt seemed to process that. “It’s more than that,” he murmured, quiet and just shy of soothing.

“That’s the bottom line,” Shiro replied, shaking his head. “No matter what else. They deserve better than that. Someone who won’t freeze at the worst possible moment. And any time we’re on a planet, there’s the chance of it becoming a combat mission. We’ve landed and thought it was all fine, and then it turned out to be a trap or there were traitors or some kind of ambush and... There’s too much risk on planet.”

Matt made a scoffing noise, so low and vicious that Shiro’s eyes shot back open to stare at him. “So, what, now I’m your prisoner instead?”

Eyes wide, Shiro leaned back from him. “What? No! I... Matt. No.”

Standing up, the movement sudden and jerky, Matt started to walk. At first, Shiro thought he was storming out, but then he turned, and started to pace around the length of the room. “I’m not in another goddamn galaxy to spend it locked in one ship,” Matt told him, voice sharp. “I understand your concerns, but honestly? There are other planets than missions. And also fuck you.”

“That’s not-” Shiro’s shoulders slowly slumped. “That’s not what I meant.”

“It’s what you’re saying,” Matt replied, unmoved. “I should hang around and do nothing, because if I’m not working it’s different from before, and therefore it’s okay that I’m stuck here.”

Shiro froze, eyes still wide.

Because that’s exactly what he’d been feeling. He just hadn’t put it into those words.

“Dammit,” he murmured, curling up tighter. “You’re right. I just... I don’t want you hurt again, over something like that. I don’t want to put you in a situation like that again.” Matt’s face, hurt and terrified, crossed his mind. “I want you safe this time.”

Matt sighed and walked back over, sitting next to Shiro. “I’m not safe on the castle, either,” he pointed out.

“It’s safer than on planet,” Shiro replied, but without any force behind his words.

Matt was quiet for a long moment. Then he rested his hand on Shiro’s shoulder. “We’ll be careful as possible. But I still need more to do, Shiro. I can’t sit around and laze the day away. I’m not built for it. I appreciate the effort to change my environment, but I never asked for or wanted this. It’s not who I am. And besides, it’s not your call. I’m not under your command, so you don’t get to make those choices for me.”

Taking a deep breath, Shiro nodded. “Yeah. You’re right. I’m sorry. We’ll discuss it with Allura and Coran. They’ll have a better idea of what you can be doing. And I’ll work you into training more.” He raised the metal arm up. “You should take a look, just in case. Should I ask Sam, too?”

Considering, Matt shrugged. “I mean, we’d probably notice the same things. Depends on if you want him there.” He studied Shiro’s face for a moment, then gave a little smile. “If I find anything weird, we’ll call him. For now, we’ll keep it small. Just me and Katie, so I know what you guys have already figured out and I don’t have to double up.”

Just the two of them. Shiro could work with that. No worse than Hunk and Pidge, after all. “Sounds good. Maybe in a couple of days.” He closed his eyes again, slowly unknotting, though it did nothing for the heavy pit in his stomach. “I’m sorry. Really. I shouldn’t have decided for you.”

“Nah, you shouldn’t have. But we’re good now.” Matt leaned back on his palms. “And you’re not wrong that I could be a liability. As much as I hate it. It’s kind of frustrating, because you talk about having problems, but I never really see it. So it seems like you just came out of all that horror and moved on, while I’m still not sleeping well.”

Shiro laughed, ragged and quiet. Even to him, the noise sounded like it had a rip through it. “My technique is to sleep as little as possible. I don’t recommend it.”

“Yeah, I’d prefer not going that route. Not that I get much of a choice.” Matt stretched his legs out in front of him, tapping the toes of his boots together childishly. Shiro snorted quietly, but didn’t otherwise react. “But yeah, we’ll talk. That helps.” Glancing over at Shiro, his brows raised. “Why do our conversations never stay on topic?”

Unable to help it, Shiro barked out a laugh. “Because I’m easily sidetracked and you change the topic every other sentence.”

Matt laughed. “True enough. You’re like a conversational puppy. Wave a new topic under your nose and you tear after it.” Reaching over, he patted Shiro’s bangs. “Good boy.”

“Bite me,” Shiro muttered, smacking the hand away playfully. That only made Matt bare his teeth and waggle his brows, so Shiro rolled his eyes. What else had he expected, really? “Actually, speaking of dogs, don’t you guys have one at home?”

Pausing at the sudden change, Matt nodded. “Yeah, Dusty. Why?”

Well, there went the Rover theory, then. Shiro wondered where Pidge had gotten the name from. Maybe she just found it funny. “Hmm, no reason. I just couldn’t remember. Wasn’t sure it had come up.” He stood and stretched, then offered Matt his hand. “Actually, if you want a project, there’s something you could do.”

“Yeah? Shoot.” Matt took the hand and pulled himself up, brushing off his pants.

“Did you ever work on the little triangle flying robots? The surveillance ones?”

Matt’s brows rose. “I mean, they do more than record. The little things are adaptable. But yeah, why?”

Smiling, Shiro shrugged. “Pidge reprogrammed one to work with us a while back, but it got destroyed in an attack. If you know enough about them, maybe you could help build another? One that’s a little sturdier, maybe. And can’t be hacked.”

For a moment, Matt paused, like he was checking his own brain for the necessary data. “Yeah, I think I could do that. And it’d be useful, too. Get into all the systems, get around some security issues. Yeah, that’s a good call.” Matt smiled. “Thanks. That’s a good place to start.”

“You’re welcome,” Shiro replied. “Now, I’m done sitting on the floor for now. Want to grab something to eat?”

Matt whiled, but kept pace beside Shiro. “But it’s not lunch time anymore. It’ll only be the goop.”

Laughing, Shiro shrugged. “The goop is good for you. Or so Coran claims.”

“I’ve officially had prison food better than the space goop!” Matt froze, brow furrowed. “Wow, okay, chalk that one up as a sentence I never thought I’d say.”

“Name one thing about the lions that you thought you’d say,” Shiro replied.

That at least kept Matt busy on the walk to the kitchens. “You piloting some top of the line craft with Keith isn’t that weird.”

“Top of the line lions,” Shiro replied. “Kinda undoes it.”

“You said sentence, not semantics.”

Shiro only laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm, a quiet fourth chapter of this 5+1?
> 
> Uh oh : )


	5. Upside Down and Inside Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Depictions of Derealization and PTSD flashbacks. The accuracy of either is up in the air, but if this might be a problem for you, be safe.

By now, Shiro was a little more used to his arm being rummaged through. Somewhat, at least. It would probably never be a comfortable situation, but having gone through it a few times, he wasn’t as bothered.

Still, Shiro felt a chill run up his spine as he walked into the lab. He’d been spoiled by the efforts to make him comfy as possible, from the yellow lights to the pillows. Now, Matt must have set up, because there was none of that. 

Following in after him, Pidge frowned as she glanced around. “Oh. I forgot to tell him. You want me to switch things up?”

“No, it’s fine,” Shiro replied. He thought if he had the chance to put this off, he would take it. And the difference was probably more heart-warming than actually effective anyway. After all, he’d had flashbacks in wildly varying environments.

So he steeled himself and walked forward, sitting down heavily in the chair across from the workstation. “Hey.”

Matt glanced up distractedly, offering a quick, distant smile. “Hey. One sec, going over Hunk’s notes. He took a lot. Which is good, because it’s helpful, but there’s a lot here.”

Sitting down next to her brother, Pidge gave another quick, unhappy look at the lights, which gave off the blue-ish tinge most of the castle sported. Then she shot Shiro another look, brows up in question. He shook his head. Really, it was fine. He’d be fine. Any differences were placebo at best.

“Okay, right. I think I’m ready.” Putting aside the pad, Matt adjusted his glasses. He seemed to really look at Shiro for the first time, then glanced at Pidge. “Uh, everything okay?”

“I’m good,” Shiro replied, before Pidge could say anything. He just wanted this done. “Ready when you are.”

Matt stared at him for a moment, then nodded. “Alright, yeah. Um, Katie, can you grab the tools for this? I don’t know where they are.”

Nodding, Pidge hopped up and moved across the room to fetch them. While she did that, Matt turned on the screens around them. Some showed internal video and photos of his arm from previous sessions, a couple showed readouts, and one had a live feed of Shiro’s arm. It was only then that Shiro noticed his fist was clenched tightly, and he made himself relax.

If Matt noticed the move, he didn’t comment. Instead he took the tools when Pidge returned, and settled them between them, arranging until he was happy with the order. “Okay. So I just open it up?”

Gritting his teeth against the cold feeling in his stomach, Shiro nodded. “Sounds good,” he replied, thankful that his voice didn’t quaver.

Matt nodded, not looking up at Shiro at all. “Alright, let’s start. For the record, I’m recording this for later. So don’t say anything you don’t want on tape forever. Now...” Picking up the first tool, he started to work.

The drone of Matt’s voice, occasionally peppered by a back and forth between him and Pidge, should have been no different from Hunk doing the same thing. At least, Shiro didn’t think so. But the tone was different, maybe. Hunk was talking to a general audience, like he was lecturing on a group project. He’d joke, he’d modulate his tone. Basically, he made everyone feel like they were a part of the action.

Matt didn’t. Matt spoke to the camera, voice oddly flat and professional. He made notes on the insides of Shiro’s arm without pausing or slowing to explain himself, listing names in Galran without a pause in his voice.

Ducking his head, Shiro closed his eyes and tried not to listen to it. It wasn’t that big a deal. He appreciated it, even, because that was better than silence, wasn’t it? And he wasn’t like he could fault Matt for sounding scientific about it. Matt _was_ a scientist. It was like asking him to have a different eye color.

That didn’t make the tremble in his other hand go away.

Everytime he blinked, Shiro saw purple lights.

That was the point he should have pulled back. Should have thrown in the towel and gave it up as a bad day, we’ll try again some other time.

But Shiro wasn’t sure he could face that second time, not when this was making sweat pool on his back. Not when it was taking all his concentration to keep his breathing steady.

“Connections seem to be fully established,” Matt continued, voice still flat and nearly toneless. “Energy output in normal ranges of previously established baseline.”

He could do this. He knew that voice. He knew both those voices, because now Pidge was talking. “Energy alternations in that section cause cosmetic changes. We don’t currently know if those differences also alter the effect of the arm when attacking.”

Pidge didn’t sound like Matt. Why did Pidge sound different from him? She was saying similar things, but it didn’t make Shiro feel lost. _Why?_

“Moving to the next section,” Matt continued. “Testing response to stimuli.”

A jolt went through Shiro’s hand, like he’d brushed against an outlet socket. Then the arm went semi-numb, tingly all over. He gasped, loudly in the otherwise quiet lab.

“Hey!” Pidge cried, probably shooting Matt a look. “Warning, first. Shiro, you feeling okay?”

Managing a nod, Shiro didn’t pick his head up. “Yeah. I can still feel it.” He tried to move his fingers to get feeling back. The response was sluggish. “It feels dulled.” 

He tried to move it again, this time shifting the whole arm. But he could only pull at the shoulder, the rest of it scraping heavily against the counter. Pressure suddenly stopped him, sudden and strong. When Shiro looked up, he realized Matt was holding it in place, still not looking up. “Subject’s motor controls affected by stimulation. This is not unexpected, and function should resume within five minutes. Current time is 16:30.”

 _A hand gripped his arm. Shiro could feel it, even though it wasn’t_ his _, not really. How could he feel it through the metal? Haggar grinned down at him, curling the otherwise unresponsive fingers herself. “Zarkon will be pleased,” she murmured, in tones of perfect satisfaction. “You’ll be everything we wanted from you.”_

 _His arm started to prickle painfully. Haggar grinned, showing all her pointed teeth, and stared at Shiro with yellow, blank eyes._ ”

His arm felt like he’d been shocked from the inside. Shiro shuddered and curled up on himself, no longer able to control his breathing. Finally, after long moments of struggle, he picked up his head, and hoped his cheeks weren’t wet with the tears he felt threatening.

“Matt!” Pidge yelled again, this time confused. Hurt. When was she hurt? What had Shiro missed? “What’s wrong with you?”

Picking his head up, Matt stared at her dispassionately. “What?”

His eyes were glazed and he was too still. Not really relaxed, but almost looking that way. He wasn’t really focused on Pidge, eyes never stilling properly.

Oh, god. He wasn’t there. Matt was having an episode while he working on Shiro’s arm.

Pidge looked back at him, eyes huge and wounded. Like Matt had smacked her rather than answer.

“Matt,” Shiro rasped, and hated that his voice was so wrecked. His throat felt as raw as the inside of his head. “Where are you?”

For the first time since they started, Matt seemed to really look at Shiro. “Hm. A lab.” Slowly, his brow wrinkled as he looked around. “Almost done. One last test.”

There was another shock, this one more of a spark, like static electricity.

Shiro’s hand lit up.

A low, vicious buzz filled the room, the sound of energy from his hand against the metal table, vibrating steadily.

_Shiro’s hand lit up._

_It hurt. It hurt like fire working through his bones, sparking it’s way up his shoulder and to his head. He screamed, unable to help it, feeling like the energy was trying to burn him alive. The hand pressed against the table, filling the room with an ominous buzz._

_“Hold him still,” Haggar snarled. “The connection needs to be made. He’s no use if he can’t use it properly.”_

_There were hands on his shoulder, digging in and keeping him from straining up like he wanted to. But he hardly felt it through the pain, when all his nerves were too busy with the signal of_ burning.

“Shiro!” It sounded distant, and like it had been shouted a few times before. Blinking himself back into awareness (the now? Was this real? Where was he?), Shiro looked up.

Pidge was a few feet away now, her arms wrapped around Matt’s waist and holding on tightly, like she’d physically yanked him away from the table. And her eyes were bright and wet. “Shiro?”

“Yeah,” he croaked, and winced. His throat was sore. He’d been screaming. Dammit. Dammit all. “Sorry.” Shiro took a deep breath, then focused again. “Matt? Where are you?”

Frowning, now, Matt closed his eyes. “I don’t...” Then he looked around, and Shiro could see the way he was listing off what was around him, mouthing the name of each object as he focused on his environment. Doing the exercise Shiro had told him. Then again, was it effective for Shiro, really? He was still here, curled in on himself and shaking, damp with tears and sweat. He was broken. How could _he_ help Matt?

Pidge glanced between them both. “What can I do?” She asked, clearly trying for stability. Trying to be the strong one.

They never should have put her in this position. But if they hadn’t, how long would he and Matt have been locked into this? Would Shiro have kept blankly staring into his flashback while Matt continued on? Would Shiro have snapped and attacked? He could have killed Matt.

What had they been _thinking?_

Focusing again, Shiro took a deep breath. “I need to... I need out.” He stood on shaky feet, still trembling. “Watch him. Keep him focusing. Or... whatever he needs. Call Coran. He’ll do better. I’m sorry.”

And with that, Shiro turned and _ran_.

***

An hour of running laps to clear his head and then an extremely long shower later, Shiro felt... better wasn’t the right word. But together enough to put on a good face, at least. Enough to walk around down the halls, reminding himself that he was in the Castle of Lions, not on a Galra ship, and not be obviously distressed if he ran into someone.

When he heard Matt’s voice, Shiro froze.

“-was so stupid,” he told someone, voice wrung out. Wrecked. It made Shiro wince just to hear it. “He’s never going to want to see me again.”

“That’s going a little far,” Sam replied gently. Shiro relaxed a little, relieved. If there was anyone on this ship that could deal with the situation, Shiro thought it was Sam Holt. “You may want to give him time, but I doubt he blames you.”

Matt made a quiet, wounded noise. “I caused him to flashback. He was _screaming_ and I barely cared.”

Sighing, Sam didn’t reply immediately, and Shiro assumed he was comforting Matt somehow. He could picture him pulling Matt into a hug, even if he couldn’t see it from the hallway. And Shiro didn’t dare look into the room, afraid they’d see him.

Not only did he not want to interrupt, Shiro still wasn’t sure what he wanted to say about the situation. Mostly he wanted it to have never happened. Thinking about it made his stomach churn.

“You weren’t any better,” Sam pointed out. “Just because you weren’t screaming doesn’t mean you were fine.” Another moment of silence, probably while he waited for a response. “You both should have recognized that you weren’t okay and tried to change the situation. And next time you’ll know.”

Matt scoffed. “Next time. Sure. Like we’re ever doing that again.”

Another sigh. “You may have to. That time, I think I should be there. And it’s obviously up to Shiro. But I don’t think we should let that arm continue to be a mystery. It’s too important for that.”

Matt didn’t reply, but his breathing was audibly wet and Shiro’s stomach clenched. Dammit, he never should have put Matt in that situation. He knew his limits, and he’d known it was a problem. And dammit, that was the second time he’d missed completely that Matt wasn’t there until it was a problem. What the hell was he even doing? 

And all that wasn’t even touching what they’d put Pidge through.

“I don’t know how to make up for this,” Matt finally admitted, voice quiet and small. “Dad, I don’t know what to do at all.”

“You apologize,” Sam replied. “Only for what was your fault. Promise to work on it. I think it’s high time we did more for you, especially if you want to be helping out more.”

It was Matt’s turn to sigh. “Yeah. That’s... you’re right.” Then he paused. “Are you okay? I’ve never seen you struggle like I have.”

Sam let out a chuckle, but it was a raspy, pained thing. “Yes, well, it’s not your responsibility to look after me. It’s my responsibility to look after you. And I’m handling it. I speak with Coran often. Altean culture seems to be much more aware of psychic damage than us. I imagine that has something to do with their technology having so much to do with monitoring minds.”

Letting out a soft snort, Matt laughed, the sound no happier than Sam’s. “Figures. It helps?”

“Yes,” Sam replied simply. “Talking helps. We never had the chance to fully process what happened to us, after all. But discussing it helps with that. And we talk about coping methods to reduce stress. We’re figuring out what works for Alteans and what works for humans - or, at least, for me. Some of the keystones of it don’t work right without Altean biology. But once we have that worked out, I imagine we’ll have a much better ability to help deal with all that’s happened.”

Matt didn’t reply for a long moment. Then he groaned. “Doesn’t fix what already happened. You weren’t there, Dad, you didn’t see him. Or hear him.”

“Do you want me to watch the video?”

Another, shorter pause. “No,” Matt replied, voice low with guilt. “I don’t know, maybe. I don’t really want you to see it. Bad enough Katie told you about it.” He let out something between a laugh and a sob. “I don’t even want to think about where I put him. And I don’t see why he wouldn’t hate me after that.”

Okay, fuck, no, Shiro couldn’t listen to that anymore. Stepping up to the open door, he took in them both. Matt was clinging to his father, face pressed into his chest, while Sam held him close, nearly bent over. “I don’t hate you.”

Matt jumped like he’d been shocked. “Shiro!” He jolted his way out of his father’s arm, more on accident than by design, then stared down at his shoes. “Um.”

“Hello, Takashi,” Sam greeted calmly, though his brows were raised. “You have very convenient timing.”

Pausing, Shiro tried not to blush or fidget. He didn’t know what to do with himself anymore. “Sorry, I was walking by and I heard you talking. I, uh, didn’t want to-” Didn’t want to face you. “Didn’t want to interrupt. But then I heard what you were saying and- Matt, I don’t hate you.”

Still not looking up, Matt nodded. “Okay.” He didn’t sound like he believed Shiro. And considering Shiro had been in that place, where mistakes looked like mountains of your own design, too rocky and dangerous to be climbed, he understood that.

Didn’t make it less frustrating from the outside.

“I _don’t_ ,” he repeated, voice firm as he could make it. “I’ve done this before, and I should know my limits. I kept pushing because I didn’t want to have to do it twice. And I knew you were acting strangely, and I know there are times when you’re not really there, so if anyone should have stopped it, it was me.”

“Boys,” Sam interjected, mild but with an edge of steel. Shiro straightened automatically, just like Sam was still their commander and he and Matt were getting sidetracked on something silly again. “How about we only take responsibility for what you personally should have done, and nothing more.” When Shiro opened his mouth again, Sam continued. “Which does not including deciding other people’s mental states for them. Instead, let’s try doing better at recognizing where we are mentally and making good decisions, when he have the ability to do so.”

That wasn’t entirely satisfying to Shiro. Maybe in this situation, yes, but what if they were in the field, for whatever reason? Shiro should be looking out for Matt.

But for today, it worked. As long as it got Matt to stop looking like he’d run over Shiro’s dog.

So he nodded. “Okay. I’ll agree with that.” Then he met Sam’s eyes. “Did you talk to Pidge?”

“Yes, Katie was the one who came and got me,” Sam replied. “She was shaken up, but she’ll be fine. You may want to speak with her soon. She was worried.”

Shiro hadn’t planned on doing anything else, so he nodded. “I will.”

Then he glanced back over at Matt, who was finally looking at him straight on. “Can I hug you?” He asked, voice small.

God, they’d regressed that far. Nodding, Shiro opened his arms. Matt took a hesitant step forward, like he still wasn’t sure of his welcome, then slammed into Shiro’s chest. “I’m so sorry,” he murmured. “I’m gunna do better. I promise.”

Returning the embrace, Shiro pressed his face into Matt’s hair. At their relative heights, there was no where else for his head to go. “Yeah. We both will. I promise too. After the next mission I’ll talk to Coran about it, okay?” He picked his head up to look at Sam. “Will you go with me? I’m not really sure about the specifics.”

Sam gave him a dry look that showed he’d noticed Shiro had been listening longer than he’d implied, but he nodded. “Of course.”

“Okay,” Matt replied, finally letting go. His eyes were suspiciously bright. “Good plan. We’ll do that. And Dad can finish looking at your arm. Or we’ll wait a while. I don’t want to... I don’t want repeats.”

Honestly, Shiro would just as rather never do it again, but he nodded. They were right. It was too important. “That’s a plan, too.” And now that they’d established that, and they’d hugged and it had ended, Shiro didn’t know what to do with himself.

God, he hated feeling awkward like this. It was like he was barely graduated again, so terrified of screwing up his first big mission he could barely speak to the people he was working with.

“I’ll go find Pidge,” he finally said, nodding to them. “Talk to you later?”

Matt nodded, but it was jerky and uneven. “Yeah.” He didn’t sound sure of it.

Shiro wasn’t either, so that was fair.

With a last, respectful duck of his head to Sam, Shiro made his retreat, determined to check on Pidge and make sure he hadn’t scared her too badly.

And they were both right. They didn’t talk about that day. Or the next one.

At that point, going on a mission and getting a break from the castle was almost a relief. 

***

Watching the Galra’s ship charge it’s blast, Shiro made a decision.

Yes, he’d promised Matt that he wouldn’t keep making the sacrifice call. Sam, too.

But Shiro was very good at breaking his promises to Holts. And with Pidge yelling over the mics, terror in her voice as the green lion failed to respond properly, there was never really a second choice.

So he took the hit for her.

As if he was ever going to do anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> : )
> 
> Happy NYCC! You got this a day early.
> 
> You're welcome : )
> 
> Note: While I have done research on PTSD/Derealization, I do not suffer from either. If there is anything inaccurate or just odd about how I’ve depicted it, please let me know.
> 
> Also, goddammit, Shiro.


	6. The Screams All Sound The Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> +1
> 
> A conversation Shiro didn't know he had

“Hey,” Matt murmured quietly, sitting down the the stairs. “Been a long day, huh?”

Shiro didn’t respond. He couldn’t hear Matt while he was locked in the healing pod. 

The prognosis had finally changed from grim to tentatively hopeful, but Matt wasn’t great at being hopeful anymore. Maybe he should be, since he’d gotten his miraculous rescue. Hell, he’d made it himself first. But the universe had taught him that everything could be taken away at a moment’s notice.

And now Shiro had taught him again.

Leaning back against the cool glass of the pod, Matt gazed out at the rest of the room. “I think this is a conversation we shouldn’t look at each other for. So don’t wake up, okay? I mean, do wake up, but not yet. It’s easier right now.” 

He snorted. “I almost gave up, you know. You’re a hard man to get alone. I think everyone was in here at some point. I caught Katie cussing you out. She’s pissed as hell. Pretty sure she might try and strangle you when you get out. And poor Hunk took it hard - apparently he thinks sacrifice plays are his territory.” Matt sighed. “Which is pretty fucked up. All of this is fucked up. He’s, what, 19? Maybe 20 at most. And he thinks it’s his responsibility to take the hits for everyone.” Matt let out a ragged laugh. “They learned it from watching you, Dad.”

But then he went quiet, wincing in response to Shiro’s imaginary reaction. “No, I don’t mean- shit, that came out bad. I don’t mean you taught them that on purpose. But, dude, they look up to you. I’ve told you that a bunch, but I don’t think you really get it. They adore you. And it’s not some idol on a pedestal thing, either. They’ve seen you drunk and in a temper and nearly naked, and god knows how else. That’s just what they’ve told me. But every time they come out of it loving you more. So, dammit, Shirogane, you’re not a fucking island. When they see you doing that shit, they internalize it.”

Matt stood, whirling around to stare at Shiro’s slack face. “So _stop fucking doing it_!”

It came out as a roar, echoing loud enough in the room that it made Matt jump from the sound of his own voice.

“Stop doing this to us,” he finally murmured, pressing his forehead to the glass and closing his eyes. “It’s not fair, that I have to be so sad and so grateful at the same time. ‘Cause you know what the fucking rub is, you asshole? It’s that Katie would have died. Without being able to activate the shields, her lion couldn’t have taken it. It’s not built for direct hits like that. But yours did, and you’re going to just nod and say it made it all worth it and move on as if it wasn’t such a fucked up thing to do. As if you didn’t terrify us all. Because that’s what you do. Every fucking time, you just get up and smile and tell everyone you’re sorry for worrying, and keep doing it again because we can’t really care, because you don’t fucking matter.”

Dammit, this wasn’t helping. He didn’t want to cry, but Matt wasn’t sure he was going to get that option. “God, I wish I could just hate you. I get so close, sometimes. Like when I figured out what that stupid advice of yours does. It doesn’t make the episodes go away. You’re not better, not really. It’s just a band-aid to make you function for the moment. And yeah, sometimes that’s all you need. A way to keep focusing while it blows over. But it never fucking ends, and it only goes so far, but to do something about that would be too... what the fuck even you think it’d be. I don’t know. Too hard. Or admitting defeat, or whatever stupid reason you have.”

Matt stared at the ceiling and took a deep breath. “This wasn’t supposed to be a rant like this. I don’t know what it was supposed to be. Comforting, maybe. Fat lot of good it did me.”

He finally went quiet then, moving to the control panel to pull up Shiro’s vitals. Thready, but no worse. Not as bad as it had been, when Coran had looked so grim and refused to give a straight answer.

As if that had stopped any of them from thinking the worst.

Last night, Matt had spent hours pouring over what the different charts and numbers and words meant. A lot of the Altean biological terminology didn’t translate well, except in broad terms. Coran, with years of experience working with different alien biologies, could generally get a good enough sense to know what was happening.

Matt wanted to be better than that. He wanted to really understand. He wanted to use what he’d learned in the Galra camps, about the other prisoners and their planets and species, to do something good.

“Dammit, I’m an astrogeologist, not a doctor,” he muttered, then sighed.

At least it was something to do.

For a while, Matt just watched. It was soothing, in a way. He was able to confirm for himself that Shiro wasn’t about to stop breathing. He could watch the steady rhythms and feel sure the next one would come at the same pace.

Sitting down and leaning his head on his crossed arms, Matt wondered if one could dream in the healing pods. Probably not. He didn’t see especially active brain waves. It was more like the deepest levels of sleep, where you could yell in someone’s ear and they might sleep through it.

And Matt hoped not. He wouldn’t want to be stuck in his dreams while he recovered.

“Why are you like this?” Matt wondered quietly, staring at the silhouette of Shiro through the glass. “I know you’ve always been self-reliant, but why are you like this? You never talk about home, not really. I only know the barest idea of what you were like before the Garrison. What the hell turned you into this?”

Well, that raised the question of what the hell had turned Matt into who he was. A former prisoner, still too skinny to be really healthy, cracking jokes and making references because then he was some goofball, someone fun and not the person watching everyone for the jagged edges that would cut him when he tried to reach out.

Why was Matt the one who broke this way? Why did he have so much trouble dealing with fellow humans, after working together with literal aliens whose language he didn’t speak at first? How was it that the only people who were safe to know were the ones he’d known before? What made _Matt_ that way? Shiro had latched onto the other members of the team just as fiercely as they’d clung to him, and Dad was already so easy with everyone, and downright cozy with Coran, and slowly including Allura into that group. Yes, they had experiences in common, and they shared the responsibility of leadership, or at least had. But Matt had plenty in common with the other paladins, and yet he barely called them by their names until recently.

If he could figure that out about him, maybe things would be easier.

“Don’t think this gets you out of anything, either,” Matt grumbled darkly, glaring at the pod. “You think you can just do stupid shit like this and you’re off the hook for your promise? Hell no, you’re sitting with me for every goddamn second of working through the PTSD. You don’t get out of it because you’ve gotten better at hiding it, you slippery fucker. Oh, I nearly got blown up. Boo fucking hoo.” He pointed, lips pulled back, anger nearly animalistic. “You’re just as fucked up as me, Shirogane. Don’t think I can’t see that. So you don’t get to waltz away into a healing pod and avoid talking to Coran like me. Fuck you.”

That settled, Matt sighed and rested his head in his arms again. “I didn’t think I was this mad, you know. But I keep thinking about what bullshit this is and it keeps pissing me off.”

Letting out his breath in one long go, Matt closed his eyes. He was going to just relax for a few minutes and get himself together, then he’d go back to telling Shiro about what was going on and what an idiot he was.

What Matt didn’t count on was drifting off, dozing in place until a buzzer jerked him back into awareness. He didn’t feel like he’d actually slept - more like he’d blinked especially hard and woken up later. But the clock said over an hour past, and Shiro’s vitals were different. Somewhat stronger, a little more steady.

In terms of the pod’s sensors, _good enough_.

Matt cursed quietly, sending out a message through the control panel. This was a solid few hours before Coran’s estimate, though he’d freely admitted it was a ballpark range at best. (Or, in his own words, ‘about as precise as a Yernian raiding party with their blowing sparks’, which Matt translated as ‘as accurate as a stormtrooper’).

Then he stood up quickly, shaking off the remaining fuzz and firmly reminding himself of where he was. Because, yes, he’d called Shiro out for that sort of coping mechanism in the long term, but on the day to day it did help. Matt was just shit at telling when it had gotten out of control, apparently. When the whole world felt like it was beyond a pane of glass, just another movie or TV show, it was hard to remember that he was supposed to be in it. He didn’t react to the characters screaming on TV, so why would he react to it now?

Okay, bad thoughts. Focusing. He could deal with what had happened with Shiro later. For now, he stood in front of the pod, so when it opened and Shiro-half stumbled out, Matt was able to catch him.

The chill of his skin made Matt shiver, but he held on as Shiro seemed to reorient himself. “Wha-?”

“Welcome back to the world of the living, Pentecost.”

Shiro groaned and pressed his face into Matt’s shoulder. “Matt, I just woke up. Don’t do references.”

Okay, the trusting resting was nice. Really, really nice, because it meant Shiro didn’t secretly hate him forever, probably. But Shiro was also heavy as hell, so Matt sank to his knees, helping Shiro down without any force. “You deserve it, you ass.” And then he clung tighter. “You _scared_ me.”

And that was the long and short of it. Matt had been so, so scared. And he really couldn’t keep doing this anymore. So, something was going to give, and Matt was determined it was going to be Shiro’s stupid hero complex, or Matt would goddamn die trying.

Or he’d just stab someone. Either way.

“Oh. I... Sorry.” Pulling back with a jerk, Shiro stared at Matt. “Pidge! Is she okay, did she-”

“She’s fine. Well, she’s mad as hell. And she’s gunna kick your ass and I’m going to sell tickets. But she’s physically fine.” Matt patted Shiro’s back as he slumped back down in open relief. “Now how about asking about yourself? You did some damage, idiot.”

Shiro shrugged. “I thought the black lion could take it. And I was right, wasn’t I?” He flashed a smile, thought it was hard to tell from how he was leaning. “Besides, like I was going to let you guys watch Pidge get hurt. Or worse. You think I could look you in the eye after that?”

Pausing, Matt stared at him. “Jesus. That was a way more selfish reason than I thought.”

That only earned him a snort and a nod. “Yeah. It is.”

“Well, you get to deal with the consequences,” Matt replied, voice viciously cheerful. “Dad’s in a real huff too. Something about a promise?”

Shiro winced hard enough it was basically a flinch.

Good, maybe he’d learn something from this.

But, dammit, rubbing Shiro’s nose in what a fucking terrible goddamn decision had been was much less satisfying when he was awake and reacting. So Matt pulled him close again, yanking him into another fierce hug. “I won’t thank you this time. But I’m glad you’re okay, Takashi.”

Shiro clung back, surprisingly desperate, forehead on Matt’s shoulder. And he was content to hold onto him for now, while everyone else made their way here.

They would hug him and yell and probably cry. Matt might too.

But for now, they both deserved this. So Matt wasn’t going to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, some notes:
> 
> Firstly, re: Shiro’s environment strategy. Firstly, Matt isn’t exactly incorrect that it’s a bandaid approach. When I was researching PTSD/Dissociation for this, it was mentioned as a tool. However, Shiro is using it as an end-all-be-all of his mental health treatment, which is what Matt’s calling him out on. However, it’s also not an ineffective method. Matt came at it thinking of it as a ‘cure’, which it was never meant to be. So he’s a little bitter. Do not use any character’s opinions or strategies as either indictments or call-outs of methods that may help you, since they are very much biased.
> 
> Another reason it works differently for them both is that Matt and Shiro are using it to treat different symptoms of their PTSD. Shiro mostly uses it for flashbacks, to remind himself of which version of what he’s seeing is actual reality. Mostly it’s a calming exercise, because by that point the flashback is over anyway. For Matt, he’s using it to help realize when he’s having a derealization episode, and to help keep focused and aware while it’s happening. Otherwise, the world doesn’t feel real enough to react (ie Shiro and Katie are scared and hurt, but it’d be like watching a movie to him). And yes, I did pick derealization for Matt for the cruel irony, and also because I see it talked about even less than depersonalization so I figured it was worth a look at.
> 
> So they do share some symptoms and tendencies, but neither of them have fully realized that they aren’t unique how the PTSD has manifested, which is where a lot of the ‘why doesn’t he do X? Am I broken? What’s wrong with me?’ comes from. Sam, however, has realized this, so that’s something that’ll be worked on in the future.
> 
> However, while I spent a good few hours looking at both medical websites and forums of people who suffer from derealization and flashbacks, as well as PTSD, I do not suffer from either. Any inaccuracies are on me, and if you notice something off, please let me know.
> 
> Next week, we’re back to standard once a week mode and typical content. After that... something different :)
> 
> Also, be on the lookout for: Leverage AU!

**Author's Note:**

> Remember, you can find me at Bosstoaster.tumblr.com!


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